Myth No.13: Baby Lion The 2nd Will Get The Jolan Back

No it is not a spelling mistake of Golan. Karfan is sick and tired of us being retarded and blind followers of others even when it comes to our names. It is Jolan with a JJJJJ, even if that means changing every single geography book in this whole arrogant world.
So now, after achieving his big political, managerial, industrial, educational, infra-structural reforms, there is nothing left to do for our great leader King Lion the 2nd except librating the Jolan! He came out two days ago in his fiery speech declaring the beginning of his “resistance culture era” that will get the Jolan back. His joke party even established a liberation organization and people are all exited and started packing there suitcases for their next vacation on Tabarya’s shores.
Karfan advices them to wait first couple of days since our great leader might change his mind about the matter similarly to what he did regarding other things he said during that speech. He called his co-thieves, the other so-called Arab leaders, Half-Men. Karfan thought that was amusing and considered that phrase the single and one-and-only correct thing that our leader King Lion the 2nd had ever uttered in his entire life. It reminded Karfan of the great description to those leaders endowed on them by the great Syrian poet Nadeem Muhammad when he said in one of his poems about the Arab leaders:
You all sons of bitches, I exclude none
And asked to exclude Assad, I said I exclude none
Unfortunately Karfan’s amusement lasted very short, as one of our King’s puppet ministers came out yesterday apologizing and saying that King Lion the 2nd did not mean his brothers the leaders, rather, GET THIS, he meant some Syrians in and outside Syria!!! Ooh god bless your soul Nadeem Muhammad, the half-rabbit son of a bitch, is apologizing to a group of murders, shoe-licking half-pigs thieves and instead insulting US saying that he meant some of us by half-men. His own Syrian people!!
When Karfan heard that, he blasted in an extraordinary rage and anger state I have rarely ever seeing him in. He started yelling and shouting and cursing at our King and his minister with all his might. He did not leave a single cursing word in the Modern Syrian-Lebanese Cursing Dictionary, which, to readers who are not familiar with, contains couple of the most if not the absolute most blaspheming curse phrases that have ever been conceived by human beings. Really, how many languages on earth have a sentence were the god and religion, the vagina of the mother and sister of the cursed, the penises of mule and donkey, and couple of other animals, are all joined in one single sentence in the most insulting way that can be thought of?
Whoever is waiting for this half-king to get back even a half-meter of the Jolan, then you will have to wait earth-half-age time for that to come true.

First, here is Karfan’s historical take on the Jolan issue for those who do not know the full story.
Jolan is the part of Syria that our fathers’ failed-generation lost to Israel in one of their most marvelous achievements that they have ever done: a ridicule called The War of Six Days of 1967. We have learned to call that war: Naksa; meaning The Relapse, a relapse after the first catastrophical Arab-Israeli war in the forties. As Karfan always like to point out: Two major sorrow events befell on earth that 1967 year: We lost Jolan, and… I, Karfan, was born.

What happened is that Naser Don Kichote and his underlings all over the Arab world repeated what their looser predecessors did in the year 1948. They started barking as loud as they can about how they are going to kick all Israelis in the sea and liberate every inch of Palestine. Naser Don Kichote was so pumped up after living 16 years as a King and conquering the French and Brits in Sweiss Canal (thanks to the USA), that he thought he could invade Rome if he wanted. The Israeli started a preemptive strike. That was way long before pig Cheney of the United Crusaders of America patented that concept to himself.
What happened thereafter on the ground did not match at all the heroic speeches that Naser was banging people’s head with. Karfan’s father has the dishonor of serving in the Syrian army during that great ridicule. That army was under the leadership of NONE BUT the great King Lion the 1st who was a defense minister back then before he Kingisized himself. According to Karfan’s father, and to everyone else in the world for that matter, the Syrian eager enthusiastic soldiers started running the moment they heard the first bullet, only not in the direction they r supposed to run in. They left all their equipment and arms and ran towards Damascus away for their life.

The fact is, Karfan never blamed his father and his brave marathon-runner colleagues for this grand act of chicken-ness. Karfan would have done the same: the weapons were scrap and the leadership was crap. Who on earth wants to fight using dysfunctional arms, under dysfunctional leadership, for a dysfunctional objective such as throwing three million human being in the sea?
And while Naser Don Kichote was fighting his windmills behind the microphones, we lost the Jolan and tens of thousands of Jolani Syrian people were kicked out of their land. You see, Israelis have a more “humane” way of kicking out people from their land: instead of the sea proposed by Naser for them, Israelis just terrorize and kick people out to the neighboring land every time they occupy a piece of it! How blessed we are. Oo Tarek Bin Zyad, I which you were there: the enemy is in front, the enemy is in the back, the enemy is above! Would you fight Tarek Bin Zyad? Karfan doesn’t think so, he would have run for his life as Karfan’s father did.

What bugs Karfan though, is that his father and many of his brave colleagues sincerely believed that they ratified their humiliation in the Six Days War by “”winning”” the next great ridicule; October War in 1973! That is what they kept and keep telling us to this very moment: We won!!! We won: no one exactly has the slightest idea what the fuck did we win? Among the 70km that King Lion the 1st and his army lost in the 1967 war, they retrieved 70m of it, and guess what: by negotiation through the UN. Some people are so irritating they keep saying that we won back our dignity and self-assurance. Win BACK dignity!! Karfan wonders: 400 years of Othman humiliation, 30 years of French and British humiliation, 50 years of Tyrants like Husni Zaeem, Naser Don Khichote and King Lion the 1st and their secret services humiliation, 50 years under Israelis and whoever-in-the-world-feels-like-slapping-us-in-the-face humiliation.... When the fuck did had we ever given dignity and self-fucking-assurance to begin with? Win back my ass.

There used to be a story widely circulated among the heroes who took back those 70m. Everyone of our father’s generation who was ever called to conscription during the October War, talked hours and hours how they advanced so deep into the Israeli lines that they actually drank from the Tabarya lake water at one point of the war!
So if you ever wondered why on hell, with such brave soldiers, the Israeli army actually ended up just few kilometers from the outskirt of Damascus, here is the answer: every one in the Syrian army was too fucking busy drinking from that Tabarya lake!! If it weren’t for Russia threatening to nuke the hell of them in case they do not stop, Israelis would have done to Damascus what they did to Beirut nine years later.
Twenty years later, one of those moony nights, Karfan’s father thought that he was revealing the secret of the universe when he admitted to Karfan that this Tabarya lake episode is an exaggeration; no Syrian unit ever came even close to see it clearly in the binoculars. Karfan did not bother to tell his father that he has never believed this story to begin with. The fact is, Karfan never actually believed anything that anyone of our father’s failed-generation ever told him even if it was about the sky being blue.

Many many years later in the nineties, King Lion the 1st decided to talk with Israelis and accepted to start piece negotiations. Syrians, the people concerned, never knew any of those talks’ details until much later when the satellite-dish culture spread on our roofs like moss and spelled the secrets all out. The Jolanis came very close to go back to their land and have their own houses and dignified life.
We heard that the piece talks crumbled down because the Israeli refused to give back the shores of that Tabarya lake. King Lion the 1st proudly refused that offer and made himself a hero who never gives up his citizens’ land. He claimed that he used to wash his feet in that lake when he was a young officer, and that he refused any solution that does not give back the lake to wash his stinky feet. Karfan always thought of this as a deliberate message to the Syrian army soldiers who claimed that they drank from Tabaraya lake at one point in the October War. The message of King Lion the 1st was: My beloved army, you stupid morons, you were drinking from where I used to wash my feet! King Lion the 1st never missed an opportunity to humiliate his subjects for sure.

Regardless if the Israelis were actually serious in given anything at all, it is sad that the poor Jolanis never knew anything about the whole process, no one asked them what they think and what would be their opinion. Instead of having a referendum to know what offer the Syrian people are willing to accept and give in return, or at least a limited referendum among the Jolani refugees, King Lion the 1st entrusted the whole future of those miserable people and the whole future of this miserable country to his unquestionable wisdom. After all, the only referendums allowed in this country are the ones that we have to say Yes for renewing the Kings and their babies eternal years in ruling.
Karfan always wondered what people would have said if they had the chance of choosing? Maybe even if we chose to say No, at least that would have scared the Israeli when seeing that the whole country will never give up their right. Maybe it would have scared them knowing that they are negotiating 20million human being not merely one maniac king with stinky feet and a crappy government.

Years go-by after that ridicule of a war and none of the Syrian Jolani who were kicked out of the Jolan ever came near to go back. They were called Nazeheen (meaning refugees), and bit by bit, as hope faded away in front of their eyes more and more every year, they started turning their dirty tents into badly constructed rough-looking scum houses in the outskirt of Damascus.
They were always called Nazeheen and they were treated as second class citizens just because they were poor and live in scum houses. Even when the second generation was borne after the 1967: the generation of Karfan, people kept calling them Nazeheen and kept treating them like crap.
If we really had dignity, those people should be treated super-class citizens, it is the rest of us who betrayed them. Our stupid leadership dragged them to this destiny with its uncalculated policies and the rest of their Syrian brothers ran away in front of the Israeli army who came to occupy their land. If we really had dignity, we should be apologetic to them. But that it is exactly why King Lion the 2nd, or any other king like him, will never get the Jolan back: they never can understand the real problem at stake here: it is humans not land.

Karfan had a friend from Jolan’s refugees, an engineer at the same department at the establishment where he works. He lived in Nazeheen’s slums near the airport road and was poor. He was sick of waiting, sick of the miss-treatment, sick of poverty, and sick of hope. Three years ago he joined the queues outside the Canadian Embassy and applied for immigration. Last year, he had the visa. When he was ready to leave, every body in the office was so happy for him; they brought cake and cola, and… celebrated. They were saying Mabrouk (congratulation), and admiring his luck, they were saying that they envy him. Karfan, was his closest friend at the office, yet, he was the only one who did not participate in those miserable celebrations. Karfan sat there looking at him surrounded by this festive. At one point he caught his eyes. Karfan says that he saw no tears on his cheeks but swears that he could see him crying like he lost his heart. Karfan knew why he was sad. The Jolani engineer never saw Jolan as he was borne a year after Karfan, but used to show Karfan old rusty pictures that his father took back in Jolan. He used to talk about it like he has lived all his life there, he was so sure he will go back, he even never married saying that his marriage ceremony will be held in his small village there. Karfan does not know how much this Canada place is beautiful, but it cannot be more beautiful than his friend’s land. Karfan does not know what dreams one can realize in this Canada place, but they cannot be more wonderful than his friend’s little dreams at his little village.
He obviously gave up on those dreams. And, the catastrophe is that we were celebrating!
A year past, and now some of the same people at the office are existed that King Lion the 2nd is going to return the Jolan. They don’t get it, do they, said Karfan.

What is the use of a land without people? how do we have a right to it without people? Why did we loose every tiny little chance to ever even dream of getting back Iskandaroon from Turkey? Because Iskandaroonis will never want to go back to us. Go back to us for what? To take part in the queues we make on the doors of the Canadian Embassy to immigrate, and the Saudi Embassy to work? They are Alawees and are not allowed to rule in turkey, but they detest their brothers’ rule in Syria. They had their share of mistreatment and dislocation by Turks in the past, but at present, they are treated well like honorable human beings in Turkey. Leave aside Turkish opposition to any Syrian claims of Iskandaroon, unless Iskandaroonis themselves want their land to return back to Syria, it will not matter what we, or even the whole world, wanted.
The brave Jolanis who stayed in Jolan and refused all Israeli temptations of citizenship and wealthy life are what keep the Jolan Syrian, not our nagging and our Kings’ fictitious liberation attempts-to-be. The Jolani refugees who are still dreaming of going back one day are what keep the Jolan Syrian. And instead of cherishing and respecting them, we are driving them to immigrate to the end of the fucking world.
It is Karfan’s Jolani friend and his little dreams that makes his village our right. Without him and without his dreams, it is just a worthless piece of land subject to be sold to the highest bidder in a game of international relations.

But who care about human beings here? In this miserable part of the world, anything is more important than human life. We die for land, we die for causes, we die for religion, we die for honor, we die for principles, we die for diplomacy, we die for nothing, we die all sort of deaths for all sort of reasons. Two years ago, 15 people killed each others in a village in Latakkia over a cow!! That is how cheap our lives became. That is why we miss the real reason that gives us right to Jolan: the Jolanis and their right of a life with dignity.

If we want the land back to Syria then the only way that would work is by making the Jolanis, and every Syrian, proud of being here, of belonging to Syria, standing high and loving their life on this land.
But instead of that, here is the way that King Lion the 2nd is suggesting: The way of his Guru in Lebanon and his Khomeini Party.
Is this is the way that you are going to liberate our Jolan my King? By dividing us, more than we are divided now, into gangs of Hizb Alaween and Hizb Sunna, and Hizb Druz? And let each one of them be a puppet to Iranians or Saudis or whoever-who sponsors? By letting Israelis killing every single child and every single mother and destroying every single house in return of few kilometers of burned land? By letting them bomb our soul and pride to smithereens and only stop after we had begged the whole world on our knees to convince them to stop? And what if they were as monstrous as they might be and never stop? By exchanging every one Israeli mercenary soldier life for thousands of lives of the people of Syria? By telling us that we won because the Israelis might leave you another 70m of the occupied land after they had bombed us a hundred year back and left us begging and ass-licking Saudis and Iranians and Europeans for few dollars to rebuild some roofs over our heads? Is that your great vision for the mother-land of all civilizations, Syria? Is that your great “Resistance Age”?

Once Fairouz, the great Lebanese singer was too naive to believe the sons of bitches Arab leaders who said that they wanted to liberate lands. She sang saying that the bright anger is coming to Palestine and the Al-Aqssa mosque bells will ring welcoming the Palestinians returning back to their land.
Another all-ages-great Syrian poet, Nizar Al-Kabbani, replied to her in a brilliant poem saying:
I beg your pardon Fairouz, the bright anger will never come
I beg your pardon Fairouz, Al-Aqssa returning bells will never ring
How do we return and returning needs a gun
And the gun needs a palm and the palm needs a finger
And the finger is busy, stuck up the anus of our fucked citizens

Karfan continues:
Did you listen to Nizar’s poem King Lion the 2nd?
I beg your pardon my King, the Resistance Age will never come
I beg your pardon my King, you will never liberate Jolan
For liberation needs an army, and army needs brave men
But we are cowards for we’ve been raised on fear
And we are disgusted for we’ve been brought up on mistrust
Too disgusted to lift a finger, not even in your face
Why don’t you take your fingers out of our anus for two days
Why don’t you go and fight, show us how men should be
And Take the rest of your gang and elite merchants with you
We, will be watching you from here
On a cup of matteh

Your lawful servant
Karfan

Myth No. 12: We Wear Suits

Karfan reaction yesterday was: “Ali Bin Abi Taleb said once: If poverty was a man I would have killed it. I say: If internet was a woman, I would have kissed it!” We are back in Bekaa valley and everything in a mess: debris of bombing, traffic, food supplies, you name it. The one and only perfectly functioning thing is Internet at Internet cafes!! It is the new God; no harm can fall upon it, not even by the greatest of the great human might. Maybe Internet has a mind of its own. It moves the wires and connects them when they are cut, or maybe it found a way to transfer itself miraculously in the ether.
Karfan soon dispersed this last theory. Obviously Internet still can not transfer itself through the tight air of Syria as our mighty Lord King Lion the Second can find ways of preventing it from seeping into Syria and closing its sites to viewing.
Karfan suggested we should make two hasty pray bows to the might of our Lord King Lion the Second; he, after all was able to control something that even America and Israel could not disturb. What a calamity.
Yes! Our mighty Lord King Lion the 2nd is back and kicking, and we are back ... and kicking.

Since this is our first time outside of Syria in a year (more for Karfan), it is a chance to write some ranting. We are so raised in the culture of fear to the extent that neither I nor Karfan have even looked once to this website from within Syria in the previous year!
Many commentators were concerned. Thanks. The reality is that we have this thing in Syria called Karaf (disgust) that the moment you start something, it looms over your head and then drops heavy on you making you so disgusted to continue anything you started. You start asking your self “What is the purpose?” “What difference is it going to make?” and then you find no answer and just quit. Whether people admit it or not, Karfan never knew in his entire life anyone in this place who did something to the end. The only exception was our beloved King Lion the First who never ever got disgusted from continuing his tyranny over us till the last drop of his blessed sole. But who are we to be as great as the Great Leader? We will get disgusted and we will get bored and we might quit this stupid blogging business altogether, so readers, quit nagging over our heads.
For the other not-nice-commentators: quit arguing over things not related to Syria here. It is taking so much time to delete your stupid comments together with the tons of advertisement spam we found here. We do not give a damn fuck about your religious arguments and we do not give a damp fuck if both America and Bin laden group killed each others to the last drop of blood. And it is not Saudi-fucking-Arabia we are from morons. With all the Syrian retardness, we still Four Thousand years of civilization ahead of those American serving Bedewins.

So many things had happened in the last year that prevented us from writing. For instance, at some point we were too busy “Tenting”. Tenting is one of the newest and greatest contributions of the King Lion Dynasty to the backwardness of this miserable country. We sat in tents defying the International Investigation conspiracy over Syria! Don’t ask me how, but it was interesting with matteh drinking to our hearts content.
Recently we were busy helping Lebanese refugees. King Lion decided that Syria has much abundance of wealth that we should share with our neighboring brothers. So while he and his guru in Lebanon were so happy counting the Israeli tanks they burned and the Israeli flies they downed, the Lebanese were blown to smithereens and the Syrians were fucked trying to help what left of them. We are actually in the Bekaa those two days for the same purpose; delivering some medicines to families here. We offered to participate so that we could have a peek at our blog. Selfish bastards you might think, but we really don’t think Syrian medicine is useful for anything anyhow. So we might as well be doing something useful.

More than a year ago, Karfan decided that we should shut up and stop being unlawful subjects to our giving King. That was exactly after the time-wasting Baath conference last year, when everybody was holding their breath for some big changes, except Karfan of course as you can read in the earlier posts. When King Lion the 2nd gave everyone the finger and changed nothing, not even his ugly choice of neckties he insists on wearing, everyone went mad barking and riding the new fashion in Syria: OPPONENTISM (A Registered Syrian Trade Mark). Being an Opponent or as they like to call themselves sometimes NASHETT (An Activist!!) became a profession like Carpenter and Engineer. Yes really, you ask someone what do you do, and he replies: NASHETT!! They were introduced as such as well at TVs they have no other jobs!
From up and down, from inside and outside, foreign and locals, everyone became a big-shot analyst and started their full-fledged verbal attack on our harmless King Lion the 2nd. Soon-after, the second and foremost biggest Burglar in our history after you know who, the nuclear waste importer, our beloved permanent vice-president found that this new profession of Opponentism sounded better than merely “vice-president”, so he also became one. He did not win much though, no one listened to him so he was obliged to take the post of “vice-opponent” to the leader of Butcher-Brothers of Syria. Just before that, his fellow gang member the Lord of Lebanese Governorate under the rule of the Eternal King Lion the 1st, ended his life with a bullet after a brief attempt, just an attempt, of being an Opponent. You see, in Syria, being a Sunni Opponent; eihhh well,,,: your fucked. Being an Alawie Opponent: you are REALLY fucked. Our merciful Lord expects some of his other subjects to be a bit annoyed of his rule, a bit, not much though. But certainly has no tolerance for ungrateful unthankful Alawie subjects whom his father graced by bringing them from their stinky villages and indulged them into life as semi-human beings under his rule after being treated as non-human beings for decades.
With the big fuckers of the United Crusaders of America barking as well, Karfan felt sorry for our Lord King Lion the 2nd because of all this attack on him, verbal and harmless as it might be. Karfan decided to follow the great wisdom that the Lords and Kings of this area of the world have been telling their people to follow for the past four hundred years: “Taking into consideration this Critical Moment of our History, you should shut the fuck up”. So we did; for a whole year.

But after the stream of the Opponents has gone weak, and our Lord King Lion the 2nd emerged up yesterday declaring our grand victory over the forces of evil of the West and East and their dirty agents, and after all the great poetry with which his lawful subjects interrupted his speech praising his unmatched courage and wisdom in winning the unsurpassed victory, Karfan and I just assumed that this Critical Moment of our miserable history is finally over now and we might then continue our harmless barking.

Of course we are still bewildered over what the hell our King was talking about. But we dare not ask when and how and with-who and over-what was this big battle at which we won a great victory! The late Iraqi King declared victory when his troops were been defeated in the battle, our King has overtopped that. He declared victory in a battle that never even existed, for Syria anyhow. Fuck! That is genius. Long Live King Lion the 2nd.

The real reason for stopping the rant is that Karfan was actually karfan (disgusted) with the word NASHETT, to the extent that every time I wanted to make him go crazy all what I had to do is turn the TV on one of those NASHETTs barking about his unchallenged sacred great opinion. Your chances are guaranteed to find one or two of them at TV channels at any given momen, most of the time barking at each others.
Karfan has another word he calls those people with: AIRI. The direct translation of which is “My Penis”, Might sound weird in English, but it is very meaningful in Syrian Arabic. An AIRI is someone who thinks that he is above everybody else. Maybe that was the perception of Karfan of his penis, but it surely worked well for the description of those people.
The first time Karfan used this word was at a High-school Production Camp; a soviet invention for cheap child-labor by ruining the summer holiday under the name of youth participation in social building. But it worked though: Karfan and I painted walkway rims in black and white that summer, and that was probably the most productive thing that we have ever done to this country.
At the end of the camp, they gathered the youth of several camps for the prime minister to come and ring our ears with a blasting speech. After spending several hours under the burning sun waiting for the holly prime minister to educate us with his boring we-know-all-about speech, most students were at the edge of melting. When the prime minister appeared finally, Karfan looked toward his direction and yelled: “Sharraf Airi!!” (Airi graced us with his presence). Karfan words were onlyheard within a circle of 20 people around him who blasted with laughter. Unfortunately, the trainer was standing within that circle. Karfan was smacked on the neck by the trainer who kept calling him Hayawan Jahesh (Animal, donkey etc..: some civilzed nicknames used by teachers in Syria for their missbehaved students), and was taken immediately to the Security Officer. You’d think he was thrown in jail for years for that; no. He came back after the speech with a pitch red neck laughing at us who were pitch red anyhow after being forced to sit in the sun for an additional two hours listening to the idiot prime minister talking about how great our Lord King Lion the 1st is, something we already know of course.
Karfan explained to the Security Officer that he thought the prime minister is an Airi because he was wearing a suit and a necktie! You see, said Karfan to the Security Officer, we are here in a production camp where everyone is wearing military fatigues and dirty as shit, even our trainers. And here comes our prime minister wearing a clean suit and a clean necktie. That is outrageous and does not go well with our Socialism society (back in the days when this ward might have meant something). The Security Officer was convinced with Karfan’s ranting and made him go after smacking his neck with several slaps.
At that time though, the time of our King Lion the 1st, God bless his soul, it was not a big crime to swear at the prime minister. As long as you do not approach the holly spirit of himself the King, everyone else was equal in being the subject of ridicule by everyone else. Now-a-days, Baby Lion has established a whole gang of Untouchables. You could be in trouble if you say something about his cousin or his brother-in-law or his wife's family, or even the prime minister. The present prime minister had actually put people in prison for criticizing him! Oh, the days of our King Lion the 1st. We lament those days.

Karfan’s theory on why is nothing working in this country is the “Theory of Suit-Wearing Airis”.
You see, Syria may as well win the prize of the worst dressed nation on earth. Have you ever been to the Karajat (Bus terminal) in Aleppo for example, or in Latakia, or even Baramkeh? Have you ever seen the green pantaloons under the grey dishdashe of a Deerelzorian, or the red shirt tucked under yellow pants raised to the chest of a Latakian?
Forget about Damascus and the few educated people who live in nice neighborhoods, who know about Channel and Eve-Fuck-Loran and this worthless shit. Go to Dahadeel, go to Eish Elwarwar, go to Kudsaya el balad, go to the suburb and see what Syria is. Half of the population cannot read and more than that can not write for fuck sake. Go and see the children in Mukhayam and ask how many of them go regularly to school. Have a conversation with some welder in the industrial area in Hama or a loader in the Mina in Tartous. We are simple, we are not much educated, we are not much bright, we are not fashionable, and definitely, definitely, we DO NOT WEAR SUITS AND NECKTIES.
But it is okay; that the way we are; much more simpler people than us were able to build great economies in Asia for example when led the right way.
Our real problem is that every Airi who leads us or is eager to lead us: every general manager of governmental establishment and every government high-shot employee, every minister and the King himself, and now-a-days every anti-government opponent and every Nashett, ever Airi of them wears a suit and a necktie. How the fuck you expect us to follow you when you don’t even wear the same cloth as us, you don’t eat the same food as us, and you treat us like some dump stupid garbage just because you use some fancy jargons shit and different words than us?

At the establishment where Karfan works, an Airi came few weeks ago with a European expert to make a study on enhancing the productivity of the establishment. Of course the Airi who wears a suit and necktie never even bothered to ask the employees their opinions and ideas. Nor of course he even bothered asking the citizens who have direct works with the establishment. He came into the offices looking disgustedly at the people in it, shook his head over the sight of empty tea and matteh cups on the desks (well, the matteh was only at Karfan’s desk) and moved to the next office. It was like the employees were some insects that ruined his apatite for the day. That was exactly the way that the new minister has performed his site-visit to Karfan’s establishment when he took office couple of months ago. The only difference is that the new minister Airi was “smiling disgustingly”, while the expert Airi was “frowning disgustingly” as Karfan describes it. They both, after there very thorough visit in which they risked their suit and necktie catching some dirt from Karfan and fellow employee’s dirty desks, they pinned a Muallakah (great piece of poetry) on how they think the productivity of the establishment should be increased!
Of course both reports were absolute crap. General bullshit that does not have a piece of useful detail since of course the great Airi experts never bothered themselves in knowing the details to begin with. But that is enough to be an Airi here; wear a suit and necktie and speak general bullshit.
Karfan, being the engineer responsible for the air-conditioning in the establishment, has given the experts a very good lesson in Airi management. He ordered his two workers to fuck up the air-conditioning and spent the next week “fixing it”. The only rooms that have air-conditioning in the establishment are the general manager’s and his deputies’, and an extra room that is given usually to the experts or other Airis when they visit. Karfan’s point was to put the experts into a similar situation to the rest of the employees so that maybe they can come up with useful suggestion of "increasing productivity". The European expert could not stand the heat and ran away with the Airi expert to his European organization office. Karfan received a big scolding from the general manager deputy, blamed it on the lack of the sapre parts, and went back to his matteh.

Airi Opponents drum our heads day and night with talks about changing the political system and forcing the regime to democratize the country. No one ever bothered to spend some time in researching the demographical distribution of the population and study a detailed method of actually making voting accessible to all. They talk about reducing state employees without even knowing how many employees there are and without really knowing what are the real work conditions and without giving any detailed solutions, in numbers, on what to do with these employees really. All is something like the American solution for Iraqi: let us disperse the army now and we will think of details later.
In short the message of Airi Opponents is very clear and simple: REMOVE THE REGIME AND PUT ME THERE INSTEAD. And what do they have to compete with the regime or other Nashetts; detailed plans for Damascus traffic: No, detailed plans for economy revival: No, detailed plans for government employees efficiency increase: No, detailed plans of anything: No. Just better suit and neckties, and we, stupid normal Syrians who cannot match their fashion skills should just sit there and choose our next government according to the nicest suit and the loveliest necktie. Fuck that, we are not that stupid you Airi assholes. If that is all what you can come up with, then even this ranting blog offers more patriotism than yours. If that is all what you can come up with, then Long Live King Lion the 2nd and his fictitious victories, at least they are funny.

Myth No. 11: Karfan is Important

Karfan and I bow in apology to the twenty-something readers and commentators that have been taking from their precious time to check on our useless rant-blog. We were not in prison, we were not arrested; rather we were living a false self-importance state of mind!

Two months ago, it became obvious that King Lion the 2nd and his entourage grew weary of people barking at them from all sides. Being completely hopeless towards the big strong harmful dogs barking from the safe heaven of outside, they decided to start beating the dogs that they can beat: the tiny little harmless poodles inside the country. So they started a charitable campaign of filling some empty cells with people who dared to speak out loud demanding reforms and democracy. Some of the names they took are famous or became famous after the rides, like the Atassi seven and their snow-white princess. Some were never mentioned in media and they were known by word of mouth only. Some were released and some were not. So Karfan and I, being lawful disciples of chicken-citizenship conditioning, decided to keep a low profile for a while.

After taking a month and a half vacation from this virtual ranting duty, we realized that there is really nothing for us to fear from. We were fooling our selves by thinking that we are actually so important that a security service apparatus would waist their brilliant informants time to track us down. They would rather let them play card, which would still be doing something more useful to their regime than arresting us.

Karfan is very different from those who have been and are being arrested. Those people are demanding Reform, Democracy, Election, and all sort of big words that three-quarter of Syrian population don't have a blody idea what the hell they mean. But read again this whole long useless ranting essays we posted here: Can you spot any were where Karfan asked for Democracy, demanded Reform, or solicited Free election? No. In fact, that is exactly why Karfan has never been imprisoned all those years despite his never ending bitching and swearing. He does not consist a danger on the regime or the society because he is not asking a thing from them. If anything, the only thing that Karfan might have thought of as a vision for this country was that every male over forty years old to drop dead suddenly of a heart attack.

King Lion the 2nd recently wasted our time on the great recent Baath conference. That time might as well have been time wasted on watching a soccer game between Djibouti and Uganda, it really would have not made any much difference for most Syrians. Before that conference a friend of Karfan whose friend's father was one of the 1300 fortunate clappers-chanters who attended that conference asked Karfan what does he wanted so that he would tell his friend's father to convey to the conference. Karfan said he just wanted one tiny little thing from that conference.
The guy laughed and said: I know, I know: like everyone else, Democracy.
Karfan: Demo-what? no
Guy: Then Anti-corruption measures?
Karfan: No, no, please don't bring my name with anything with Anti- in it. I belong to the Naam (Yes) Generation, we don't know the ward "Anti".
Guy: what is that one thing that you need this very decisive and important conference to deliver then?
Karfan: I want my thirty-seven years back.

Among all the cries, demands and the pressure for so big things as Open-Market, Democracy, Free-Election and National-conciliation and... and... and... to the end of the list of the sophisticated words, I reckon we should not be harassed or imprisoned for asking for that tiny little thing.

Myth No. 10: Baath is a Political Entity

Every day Karfan goes to work, he has to be tortured hearing about the upcoming big event that became the talk of the year this year: The Baath Party Regional Convention. So much rumors and talks that gives Karfan headache to hear and see people talk about as if it is going to be the Big-Bang of Syria. The Baath will change its name, the Baath will change its objectives, the Baath will allow political life, the Baath will get rid of all the old guard, King Lion the 2nd will reshuffle and clean the Baath party and so on and so on.

In order for a party to do all of this shit, it has to be a Political Party. Karfan wonders when in monkey's name this “Thing” became a real party. Yes, granted we call it “The Party”and “Baath Party”, but these are mere names of some “thing” that exists and we had to call it a name. It does not mean anything like a political party or any political or organizational entity. It just exists around us and between us like that black-cloud of pollution on top of Damascus and Banias, like the sewage stink, or like the Mukhabarat's Peugeot white cars. “Baath Party”, “People's Assembly”, “Cultural Center”, and “People's Army” are just names of things that had nothing to do with those names.

Back when Karfan was forced to serve his country and waste two years of his already-useless life in the army, he was assigned to a radar unit in Lebanon. That was because his degree was in electronic engineering and all, although he himself did not have the slightest idea what did he study during those years he spent at university. Regardless of that fact, service at a radar station was both the most useless and most dangerous service in the Syrian Army. They were not allowed to ever turn on those junk backward radars the Russians had bullied Syria into buying. If they operate them, the Israelis would detect their location, send missiles and blow the whole thing up. You cannot think of any more useless way to spend a year and a half of your life: you have to sit inside a dead piece of junk that is supposed to detect enemy's airlines, but you cannot turn it on because if you do, it would be blown away, with you in it of course. The biggest fear was that one asshole up in the upper command, might actually take the risk and order them to turn the radars on one of those days. Every one there knew what would happen then; they code named it: The Suicide Order.

That is why Karfan accepted his new assignment few months later of becoming the Psychological Warfare Officer (A Baath Party officer who is responsible for the party and propaganda affairs in the unit). The real joke was that Karfan never have been a Baathi in his entire life. The unit commander was an ignorant from Dara'a who thought that just because Karfan is from Tartous and Alawie, then he is certainly a member of the Baath! Theses are the sort of Myths that many has on the miserable Alawie population who was not lucky enough to be blessed of belonging to the entourage of our Lord the King Lion. Despite the fact that someone like Karfan is on the bottom of the bottoms in the social hierarchy of this country's society, many think that he is Baathi, he is certainly working for the secret service, and he has certainly very well established connections among the upper command! Why? Just because he is an Alawie by birth, regardless of the fact that his belief in religions is not much firmer than his belief in Mickey Mouse.

So when his commander assigned him to that position, Karfan did not bother to tell him that he is not Baathi. The commander won't believe him anyhow and would think that Karfan is pulling his leg. So Karfan shut up and accepted the great job which would guarantee at least that he will not be inside one of those junk machines when the Israeli missiles blow them up. He kept saying that his Baath Enrollment Card has not been transferred yet to the unit so that he would avoid been asked about his Baath membership details (transforming membership between cities could take anything between three months to three years, or eternity when it is lost on the way).

During those following months, Karfan came to know great deal about the great sophisticated Baath Party which he never joined. Karfan was responsible of writing down the minutes of the weekly party meetings: It would start in chanting the great symphony: “Our goals: Unity, Freedom, Socialism”. “Our leader for Eternity: The Faithful Lord King the 1st.” Then it would go something like this:

Commander: Comrade Saleem, it is your turn to read the brief.
Saleem: Yes sir, this week news highlight is .. Saleem continues reading the most boring news that ever been compiled by a human being (taken from the Second most boring magazine that ever been compiled by human being: The Solider) on how our lord King Lion the 1st greeted this president and telegraphed the other president and how he dined with this and farted with that etc..
Commander: Next, comrade Muhsen, did you prepare the weekly discussion topic.
Muhsen reads certain paragraph that he had just cut out of the Munadel (quarterly Baath magazine: this is the First most boring magazine that ever been compiled by human being) about the validity of the Arab cause in unification.
Commander: Comrades, anyone has a comment on the discussion issue of this week.
Other comrades: .... (their faces look empty and bored as a dead black old cat).
Commander: Well good, we can end this week's meeting, and we can as well consider this meeting sufficient for the coming month (A common practice was to condense those weekly meetings into one every month or two or ... six). Comrade Karfan, have you written what we said? Comrade Karfan?
Karfan: zzzz
Commander: Comrade Karfan, ARE YOU SLEEPING?
Karfan: nnnnooo sir I am not, just my eye was a bit heavy.
Commander: Comrade Lieutenant Karfan, how many times I warned you not to sleep in meetings. Don't let me ever see you sleeping again. Now ask comrade Saleem about what we talked about this meeting and write it down.
After the commander had left.
Karfan: So Saleem shit-head, you want to tell me what the hell did you speak about this week?
Saleem: oh yea, we spoke about attacking Sweeden with a nuclear bomb. You know what we spoke about asshole.
That was true, every single meeting was almost a carbon copy of the previous one. The commander never did anything really about Karfan sleeping in the meetings because he thought that Karfan could do that since he is an Alawie and influential and all!

Beside boring people with the morning news and preparing the commander boring speeches at the many events that the unit celebrated, another duty of Karfan was writing the minutes of the “Baath Active Member Examinations”. When a miserable citizen joins the Baath, they are considered “Supportive Members” for couple of years until they can pass an interview to become an “Active Member”. In those interview exams, the examiner would ask the member something like What is the Definition of Socialism, What are the Basis for our Arab Unity, and the like. In reality, it all depends on the Secret Service “Security Evaluation”. A good one means “pass” even if you answered that Hawaii is a part of the Arab Union, and a bad one means “stay as a supportive member” even if you happen to go crazy and memorize by heart the whole party's constitution. In the army, those interviews were conducted by bored high rank officers who were so frustrated and angry that they ended up with this filthy boring duty instead of doing what every Syrian officer dreams to do: To have a Range-Rover and do nothing at all.

Before the interview the interviewers usually give the anticipated questions to Karfan, so that he can make the examined members memorize some semi-decent answers to those questions at the last minute. In one of those interesting interviews, a bored interviewer asked a question that was not previously given, a surprise question:
- Define the Party.
The perplexed Sergeant answered:
- eih, Sir?
- Give a Definition of the party.
- What? The party, Sir? THE party.
- YES, Sergeant, Define the Baath Party.
- The Baath Party, Sir? You mean the Party.
Loosing his nerve, the officer yelled:
- YES, SERGEANT, YOU HEARD ME, WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF THE PARTY?
- eih, emmm, the party sir, the party sir is ... the Party.
- What?
The sergeant, looking confident now that he found the absolutely unshakable true answer to this weird quiz:
- The Party sir? The party is the Party. (El Hezeb Ya Seedee, El Hezeb Hweih El Hezeb).

That was, in Karfan view, the most exact and profound statement that has ever been said about the Baath Party. Maybe it was some sort of a definable political entity in the old days, before King Lion the 1st decided to turn it into a joke, but for us, the happy generation who were borne after the happy revolution, it is just that: THE PARTY. We were born and it was there, and we had to just live with it, like the breakfast or going to toilet, you never question what the hell are those things and why we are doing them. Everyone knows that really, everyone who has ever been to a party-meeting knows that.

But somehow all of a sudden, the Baath is being re-invented as a political entity. Maybe it was the fault of the shit-head Americans who, before destroying Iraq, invented this fictitious big deal about the Baath Party as something that controlled and existed as an organized entity. Maybe it is the fault of the people who wants to forget that King Lion the 2nd rules over them by Republican Guard and Special Forces and Mukhabarat. The people who dreams that their life would drastically improve if someone changes the name of that “Thing” or changed some words in its constitution, which 99% of the party members never laid eye on to begin with, not to mention ever read. You think if the party's slogan: Unity, Freedom, Socialism became: Freedom, Unity, Market, or even: Hommos, Falafel, Bnadoura, then this society and country would miraculously change?

Karfan thinks that Marie Antoinette was very unlucky: If only she had people like the Syrian people when she went out of that window and promised the angry mob that they will be fed biscuit instead of bread. They would have actually gone back home, and spent the next two years speaking about the different types of biscuit they would get! Many here sincerely think the next convention will bring us biscuits. Karfan suggests that the “Thing”, the “Party”, which is now trying to play the role of a real party, should change its name really as many are guessing it would do. But Karfan suggests the following name: “Hizeb El Baskoot” (Biscuit Party). “The shouting would even sound better than in the original name,” says Karfan, “Listen:
Bil Rooh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya Baskoot, Bil Rooh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya Baskoot.”

Myth No. 9: We Evolve

Karfan visited the “Outside World” on a single occasion only for a few days, and managed to communicate a little bit with people from other countries with his very limited language ability. That was when he was faced with the question [Where are you from?] that he figured out the answer to is: [From Syria] despite all the Anti-Regionalism Arabic education that he was showered with day and night by the Baathi regime (Myth No. 1). Another question that Karafan found perplexing is the one that all foreigners had asked after he said he is from Syria: [So you are a Muslim?]! The foreign people who wanted to brag a little bit more about their “thorough knowledge of all things middle-eastern” asked: [So are you Sunni or Sheia?] followed by a smile which said (You see, I know a LOT about your countries)!. The first thing that came to Karfan's mind at that time was: [Well, fuck, we are not the only ones that were stuffed with bullshit about the others]. None of the other foreigners who came from Europe or America or even Japan was asked that question. Basically, according to Karfan, the foreigners think they are human beings who evolved to being able to choose to believe in whatever the hell they want. On the other hand, we are still some sort of backward creatures who are denied the right of choosing and we have to fall under one of the few stupid categories the foreigners happen to know.

Although Karfan was a bit upset about it at the time, later when he thought about the whole matter he decided that those foreigners might be very right in deed! We have not evolved an inch. Evolution means that a person in the twenty first century should think differently from someone who lives in the tenth century. But unfortunately, if there were a time-machine that could transfer all of us here in Syria to the tenth century, there would be very few who would take more than two hours to adapt fully to that environment.

Karfan finds it alright to respect Islam, Christianity, Alawism, Durzism, etc.. at the times when they emerged and respect those who brought those new ideas to the open. But he can not figure out why one should give a damn bit of respect to people who are still believing in the exact same things more than a thousand year later without trying to change the slightest detail. As he puts it in his own words: In the period between when Ibn Nusayr came up with the Alawie religion idea in the ninth century and today, there must have been some warms that evolved and developed wings and became able to fly. Meanwhile, not a word has changed in our books or a thought in our minds.

That is the reason why Karfan, unlike his fellow Alawies or Druz, never curse Ibn Taymyyah. Ibn Taymyyah is a Sunni scholar dickhead who lived in the thirteenth century and wanted to become famous. So he came up with this wonderful idea of issuing a detailed religious edict describing all the new religious ideas at the time (Alwis, Druz, Ismailies, and all other Sufi or Bateni sects, etc..) as heretics and sinful bullshit that has nothing to do with Islam. He then issued a religious edict, which has never been revoked since, to fight the followers of such sinful ideas and either “eliminate” them or re-convert them to the mainstream Islam. Karfan sees nothing wrong with that; Karfan himself might issue a book tomorrow for example saying that we should blow up the sun. If thousand years later when technology permits, some stupid monkeys decide to follow Krafan's words and go and actually blow up the sun, who should you blame then? Do you curse Karfan or the stupid monkeys who still believe what another stupid monkey said a thousand year earlier?

The unrest that chook the city of Misyaff few weeks ago is a big example of such stupidity. Of course, not many have heard of this unrest outside Syria because apparently the foreign media decided it was not as important as the Kurdish unrest in Kameshli which took place last year. Maybe it is not as important since Misyaff cannot be claimed as separate sovereign country as Kameshli could be. But it underlines the same principle: people here are still thinking the same way their ancestors did a million light-year ago.

Here is what happened three weeks ago with no comments at first:
- A quarrel started between few Alawie and Smaeili taxi drivers in the Taxi center at Hama City. All of those drivers came from Misyaff or the surrounding villages (Misyaff located on top of the mountains overseeing Hama city and belongs to the province of Hama).
- The Smaeili drivers, being more numbered than the Alawie ones, beat the shit out of those Alawies.
- The Alawies then went back to their village, brought backup of Alawie young men fully armed with Kalashnikovs and pistols and established checkpoints on the way between Misyaff and Hama. They dragged every single Smaeili driver out of his car and beat the shit out of his living soul.
- Angry Smaileis in Misyaff then attacked some Alawies living in the city, beat them, and told them to leave the city back to their villages.
- Alawies from a near by village famous for arm smuggling came to Misyaff with vehicles fully armed with heavy machine guns and RBGs and started shouting in the loudspeakers that they will fuck the biggest Smailie in the city and kick the Smailies away from the city back to whatever the hell they came from.
- Smailies then complained to the region governor in Hama, who happened to be a Sunni. His reply was: [What the hell, they are both Shiaa heretic sects, let them kill each other to the last living soul.] He refused to act.
- Angry Smailies then went to the streets of Misyaff in large numbers and started stoning houses of Alawies and the matter grew up to a near total civil unrest.
- By that time, our Lord King Lion the 2nd had heard of this turmoil that might disturb his calm and peaceful kingdom, so he sent the Army and anty-riot troops to calm the situation. He also ordered the careless Sunni governor to be replaced.
- The matter was contained but the people of both sides are boycotting the other side. The city looks like a dead city because what Misyaff lives on mainly is the trade between the Smailie merchants and the Alawie peasants.


Eventually, what was started by uneducated insect-brain taxi drivers spread all over the whole social and educational spectrum of both parties! In the entire world, educated and smart people inspire uneducated and stupid mob and lead them the way they want. Only here, the reverse is true. Time after time, a stupid high-school educated officer took the lead with a coup d'etat and assumed the presidency. Time after time, stupid mob started quarrels over things happened thousands of years ago and the supposedly-smart people just followed like sheep.

Karfan met with couple of Smailie and Alawie friends who were educated and supposedly had evolved a little bit. Although this meeting did not end up as a boxing match, it was nevertheless as frustrating to Karfan as this frustrating life could be. Instead of just agreeing that what happened was a stupid act of stupid people, they started throwing accusations at each other. Here is a briefing of those marvelous accusations:

The Smailies accused the Alawies of having a plot to drive them out of the city of Misyaff. They said that this plot goes back to an attempt in the nineteenth century and after that to the days of Saleh-El-Ali, whom they described as a gangster whose revolution's sole purpose was to kill the Smailies. It might come as a chock for the majority in Syria who were told during schooling years that Salih-El-Ali was a hero who revolted against the French occupation in the 1919. Naturally, the Alawies in that meeting were offended that their Alawie hero was called a gangster. Karfan was not offended though. Karfan considered "a gangster" every single person who belonged to any of the generations that was born before him and somehow contributed to the fucked up miserable state that we ended up in. Karfan have heard before those stories and other stories about every single hero of our history from Salah El Dine to Jamal Abdul Naser. You can always find a group or sect who considers some hero a gangster because what he did to them. Ask the Druz about Adnan-Al-Malki, ask the Alawies about Yousef-El-Azmeh, ask the Sunnis about Sultan-El-Atrash, and etc.

The Smailies also accused the Alawies of trying to extend the massacre of Hama in the eighties to Misyaff. They claimed that the troops of the White Knight of Tadmur (brother of King Lion the 1st) were just about to enter the city of Misyaff and erase it as they did to Hama if it was not for the last moment intervention of some Alawie clerk. This accusation was new for Karfan actually. Karfan knew very well that, unlike what most people think about Smailies and Alawies being very close and similar and all that, they both consider each other as different from the other party as they are different from cow-worshipping religions. But he was sure that this difference does not go all the way up to plotting the extermination of the other party. It is an example of how smart people regurgitate what some stupid uneducated monkey might have said.

The Smailies emphasized that the Alawies plot was to take over the historical city of Smailies, Misyaff, in which the Alawies never had a presence before King Lion the 1st took the lead of the country. The Alawies denied all of the above and accused the Smailies of trying to kick them away from the city which they had presence in since the creation of the universe.

It is not very surprising to hear people throwing accusations against each other regarding things that happened in the very faraway past. After all, we live in an area where people speak about what happened between Ali and Muawia 1500 years ago like it took place last Friday. In this area there are entire religions and ideologies based on distrusting the other and defined as merely the opposite of that other. Although quite different, Alawie and Smailie might still the closest sects to each other in comparison with the other sects and groups. You may imagine what the situation of distrust and myths-circulation might be between two not-so-close sects. Karfan has heard the funniest stories about Smailies from Sunni people, and about Druz from Alawie people and so on.

You think that a thousand year was enough to evolve and become like those foreigners, who asked Karfan about his religion, free in what you choose to believe in. Free from the sets of ideas and myths that your sect created about the others. Free from being a prisoner of notions that have been invented by stupid uneducated brainless people.

At the end of that gathering of Karfan's Alawie and Smailie educated friends, he stood up and told them that out of all what he heard about this turmoil, the one and only person that was completely right was that discriminating Sunni governor. If people are so stupid to carry-on a turmoil that was started by stupid brainless taxi drivers, so stupid to believe what those brainless suckers said, and so stupid to quarrel over things that might have happened or might have not happened a hundred year ago, then you should let them kill each other to the last living soul without intervention.
But, as Karfan says always, King Lion and his regime, will never let things go that far. They encourage people to distrust and hate each other but they do not want things to go out of hand and threaten their rule. It was always like that in this land since the times of Muawea really. The kings always played a game of balance between inflaming hatred and containing its flames from going so high as to burn their rule. Still, people have never evolved and they are still playing the same game. Even those who somehow acquired some education and supposedly walked a bit the path of evolution are still clueless players in the same game.

Karfan cannot really blame his friends on the way they think. After all, people need to belong and have an identity, unless they want to end up like him; a senseless sarcastic gloomy bastard that doesn't care if the whole universe collapses tomorrow. No one believes in the Arab identity joke anymore and our Kings have made all efforts to erase and destroy any attempt of creating a Syrian Identity that gathers all of us. Eventually people find that those stupid sectarian and religious identities are the only way to belong. If the Smailies for example do not believe they are only Smailies and act like it, then what is left for them to believe or belong to? Nothing, either that or the Karfanian way; but it is not fun to be Karfan, believe me.

But then again, what makes us so different from monkeys? Karfan saw once on TV a program about jungle monkeys. When a monkey from a group starts a fight with another monkey from another group, the entire group starts fighting with it without even questioning what the hell was that quarrel about.
Karfan was silent when he came back after that gathering. I asked him what he was thinking of. "I am working on an alteration of Darwin's theory", he said. "You see, if this bugger Darwin has ever bothered himself and visited the Middle East, he would have altered his theory for sure. He would have distinguished between physical and mental evolutions, and proved that there are people who cannot evolve. More importantly, he could have proven that some people actually can un-evolve back to their monkey state after they have acquired some brain. I feel like eating a banana now, next time you go to Lebanon for blogging get me some, the smuggled ones are tastier than the one they sell here."

Myth No. 8: Karfan Occupied Lebanon

It has been a while. Not that Karfan has stopped ranting, he never does. Nor that there are no more things to rant about here, you can bitch until you die and still miss stuff in this messed up area of the world. The reason was me. I am so much a cowered that I swore on my grandmother grave I would not post a single character from within Syria even if "King Lion the 2nd" himself guaranteed my safety. A sheep never trust a Lion, never.

But it is becoming difficult for people like me to go to the nearby country I am posting from. King Lion the 2nd's younger brother and his cousin killed one of the past cooperators there, and the rest of the warlords there found this a good opportunity to stop sharing the cake with King Lion and his gang and moved to kick his army out. This assassinated big thief was until recently a very good friend of the Lion's gang. But the rule of all gangs is that no one is safe in a gang. There is no trust or reliance in gangs. Keep your eyes open while you sleep and keep your knife in your hand at all times. And never trust a Lion, never.

The people in that country are angry at the death of one of their own thieves by Syrian thieves. Understandably; Most Syrians do not want someone from Turkey for example to assassinate some big dick head of ours neither. Although Karfan cannot see what is wrong with that anyhow: let them kill each other till the last dick head. Anyhow, the Lebanese are now revolting against the extended visit of King Lion's army to their land. They are asking for the end of the “Occupation”. I still remember when Karfan and I first heard that sentence in the news: “Lebanese are demonstrating against the Syrian occupation of Lebanon”. Karfan burst with laughter for 15 minutes thereafter, every now and then would stop to catch his breath and says “Syrian Occupation!!” then goes back to his crazy laughter.

Karfan has the no-pleasure of being one of those so-called occupiers during his very-obligatory military service as a lieutenant, or in Arabic “Moulazem” which is ironically a homonym to “Mou Lazem” meaning “Unnecessary”. That was exactly the role of Karfan and most of his fellows who were driven to that 2 years waste-of-time period: unnecessary one.

There might have been golden days for those occupiers from the failed generation of our fathers during the seventies and early eighties, when there were actually still things to steal and plunder in Lebanon back then. But for the occupiers who belong to Karfan generations, that is the happy generations who were born after the happy Baath revolution, this “Occupation” period was one of the most humiliating experiences they have ever had. And believe me, in Syria, you can encounter many of those experiences.

Unarguably, this occupation is still a golden egg for the high-class hyenas roaming around King Lion. For example, the sons of the Chronic-vice-president of the King have just opened their third Casino there last year. The assassinated Lebanese thief blessed this investment without paying attention that he should have asked the permission of their rival King Lion's cousin. Similar to what the assassinated thief was trying to do in Lebanon, the Syrian chronic-vice-president, who goes by a truly representative name: Servant, is trying to polish his image now-and-then as a hope and true-representative of the Sunni community in Syria. Karfan is guessing that participating in the humiliation of a whole country for decades, stealing half of its resources, manipulating a near-by country into an extended civil war, and owning a couple of Casinos is not a contradictory act to the true Islam, especially according to the Saudi version of it.

But let us skip the big deals that are done between the warlords in Lebanon and the high-class officials in Syria. And let us skip those black Mercedes cars of high-class officials that use to go and come to Lebanon unquestioned whenever the hell they want. What then left for the Syrian people out of that occupation is what Karfan calls: The La-Vache-Qui-Rit Occupation. (The Laughing Cow: A famous French cheese that was prohibited in Syria, and smuggled from Lebanon mainly by soldiers who were “Occupying” it).

During that occupation, Karfan and his fellow occupiers had to spend long hours bargaining the merchants of the many shops in the Bekaa'a area to lower the price of a tea-cup set or a cheese box for two or three Liras. They had to literally beg many a time to convince those merchants to wait until they can get the money from selling the stuff in Syria. They had to undergo the humiliation imposed by military police every time they pass the border. They had to stay in filthy tents and half made dirty barricades, and they had to be denied from going home for couple of months sometimes. On top of that of course, they had to shout every morning: Bil Rouh Bil Dam Nafdeek Ya King Lion, and to gather what is left of their broken pride and pretend to walk around in Lebanon like they own the place. That is the apex of Karaf (disgust). Occupation my ass.

Every two weeks, Karfan and six of his miserable fellow officers, up to a rank of major, used to be sardine-ed into the cap of an infamous Zeel truck. A Zeel is a failed Russian simulation of a moving object, which gives the feeling it is running on square wheels not round ones. Meanwhile, thirty of there miserable soldiers were sardine-ed into the back of that truck standing all the way with no space to lift a hand. At the border coming back, while the black Mercedes cars used to fly at the speed of light unquestioned, Karfan and the rest of the occupiers had to get out of the truck to negotiate how many pieces of the La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese they are smuggling they would give to the military police to let them go in with the rest. Prices always deferred depending on the mood of our Lord King Lion: sometimes he gives the orders to be strict and the military police would take everything.

The few hundred Liras fortune that Karfan made from smuggling tea-cup sets and La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese is all what he gained from his year-and-a-half occupation of Lebanon. He always said that he certainly would have rather spent it in the “SEEN”, which is the worst you can spend your military service in; a supposedly secret, but everyone knows where it is, military airport in the middle of the desert. At least there, he does not have to go through the weekly humiliation he encountered in Lebanon. More importantly, no one there in the middle of the desert would check if he and his soldiers are repeating the daily morning shout: Our Leaders for Eternity: King Lion and his Family, Bil Rouh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya. . . .

Of all things, Karfan always felt a sense of respect towards La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese. Others smuggled many luxurious items that our poor Syrian population in Zahra, Eish El Wawrar, Kudsaya, etc were denied-of under King Lion the 1st's rule, such as baby powder milk and tea that is not mixed with manure as it used to be in Syria. Karfan on the other hand, insisted on concentrating on La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese because he felt that he is doing a Social Contribution for the miserable Syrian people by smuggling it. He always theorized that the reason why this particular type of cheese never lost its popularity lies not in its taste but in the picture of the laughing cow at the cover. Among all the miseries and disgust we lived in, and among all the fake smiles and pretended laughter of the un-happy presenters on our Arabic television networks here and outside, the smile of that cow was the only genuinely happy smile that parents can show their children so that those children would know what does it mean to be truly happy. Karfan was proud to participate in that mission.

But now it is all coming to an end, and no more La-Vache-Qui-Rit Occupation. The merciful government in Syria does not want to deny the children the knowledge of the happy smile, so they finally allowed that cheese to be imported to Syria. Of course, after making sure that someone in the high-class hyenas would benefit from importing it like it is done to everything else here. But Karfan looks at the cow on the cover of that Hyena-imported cheese and he says that the smile is different!! “The cow is not laughing from the bottom of its heart anymore like it used to be on the cover of the cheese I used to smuggle from Lebanon during my years of La-Vache-Qui-Rit Occupation”. “Maybe, it was happier in Lebanon than it is here”. He continues with a bitter sigh: “who cares anyhow if children knew what is a genuine smile, they are not likely to use that knowledge in the gloomy future waiting for them”.

Myth No. 7: Alawie is still a Religious Sect

It might be very surprising for many people to know that the Alawie (the sect that the ruling thugs belong to) is the most oppressed religion in Syria!! Of course in terms of ideology not in terms of the status of the people belonging to it.

"King Lion the 1st" long ago realized how much he relies on the support of his sect to stay in power, and realized who much dangerous would be to rely on something that can be easily manipulated such as religion. He then diverted this lurking danger to his rule by imposing an overwhelming Sunni-fication policy on the very Alawie sect that supported him. This extreme policy took the shape of so many aspects that everybody here knows very well:
Introducing only pure Sunni Islam education to all schools;
Banning any public manifestation or even mentioning of any Alawie religious activities;
Banning and oppressing any Alawie religious organizations or any formation of a unified religious council or a higher religious authority; Many were killed by the great gangster Duba for starting to utter such ideas among people in Tartous and Jableh;
Building Sunni-style mosques in every little Alawie village and encouraging people to perform the pilgrimage through public and private (his late brother's Hadjee Jameel) organizations;
Encouraging the Late Grand Mufti of Syria to brake down any attempt to present the Alawie religion as anything but a bad old mistake which people should renounce and forget.
Releasing the hands of the Sunni clerks to do whatever they whish regarding establishing a clear religious identity to all Sunni youth, and facilitating Sunni Islam educational and media sources (as long as it does not tackles politics and the King’s eternal right to his crown) while banning any sort of similar activities for Alawies and other minor sects. There are in Syria hundreds of Sunni religious schools while there is not a single school that is specialized in teaching not even the history of the Alawie sect.
etcetera etcetera...
"King Lion the 1st" managed even to convince many Alawies, especially young generations, that they are actually just Bad Muslims, someway or another.

"King Lion the 1st" and the rest of the gang around him knew well that this is not going to lead to any real results in term of unifying the Alawie sect with the main stream Sunni Islam. Everybody knows, especially those Alawies who tried very hard to integrate with their Sunni surroundings after moving to the main cities, that they will never be accepted by the Sunnis. There isn't a single Alawie house in Damascus without a story or two on failed experiences in... what you may name: go out of own skin attempts. Alawies are still bad Muslims, the mosques the government built are still deserted, and the number of Alawie-Sunni "mixed marriages" is even much lower than the number of the mixed marriages between Syrians and foreigners. Of course excluding the upper class mixed marriages, where the thugs marry into each other's families for the sole reason of solidifying their rule.

The Sunni-fication attempt did not work simply because it was not meant to work in the first place. While "King Lion the 1st" and his thugs were trumpeting this integration policy, they were at the same time systematically building a culture of separation and segregation between Alawies and Sunnis, and between all sects and ethnic and religious groups in Syria for that matter.
The real reason behind this policy was never integration with Sunnis or establishing an acceptance for the Alawies by the Sunnis. The real reason was to deprive the Alawies from any solid unified religious ideology that might one day pause a fatal danger on the rule of the King. To turn them into meaningless tribes ranked by how much they support the King.

Let Karfan explain this in his simple words: Imagine what the King's position would be if all the Alawies in the Republican Guard, Special Forces, and Security Services (all composed of 95%Up Alawies) told him to go fuck-him-self because an Alawie higher religious authority decided it is not in the sect's best interest to support him anymore? What exactly do you think this regime is hold together by? Baathis? That is the biggest joke that every five year old Syrians knows. Everybody here knows that these forces are the regime real power which prevents any opposition from even pondering on the idea of opposing publicly. The army in general has been long ago marginalized and made weak to have any real effect on the power balance. That was when many army units refused to carry out "King Lion the 1st" 's destruction plans against the Sunnis at the time when the regime and the Muslim Brothers were waging holly wars against each other. Many army officers who refused orders were fired and are still sitting in their houses doing nothing since. But that experience taught the King that he had better rely on very well organized, brain-washed, and loyal smaller units such as the infamous "Sarya Eldefaa" of his brother who eventually carried out the attacks on Hama. Since then, he learned how to balance these power tools by multiplying them into several separate entities: Republican Guard, Special Forces, and many strong Security Services Units. Those units are where the real military power of the regime exists.

Such essential power centers should be kept under the sole control of the King. That is why, unlike the Sunnis or Druuz or Smaeilis, the Alawies were doomed not have a religion in fear that this religion or whoever controls it might be in control of these essential power centers one day.
By erasing all sort of religious identity while making sure that Alawies will not find another one elsewhere, Alawies were simply transformed into a sort of tribes that are unified around one purpose: Keeping the King in Power. A couple of tribes that does not have any real religious conviction or ideology but are hold together by the fear of the others and the fear of revenge by the others for the regimes deeds. A sort of army units which sole purpose is to protect the leader, nothing else.

Meanwhile every one around them keep labeling the regime an "Alawie Regime" and keep throwing all the faults that this regime did on the Alawies shoulders. We will be doomed to carry the burden of the faults of the same people who destroyed our religion and destroyed any religious identity we might have had. The same people who instead of seizing the chance of being on top to establish a real secular society were all would be respected regardless of what they believe in, they encouraged Sunni extreme religious teachings and built a society were you have only two books to read: Ibn Taymeiya, or Michael Aflak.

After this systematic destruction of any unified religious authority, it seems unlikely that Alawies would bring themselves together to get rid of the gang ruling in their name and destroying the future of this country in their name. What makes it even more difficult is the accusations that the other sects keep building: An Alawie Regime, An Alawie Baath etc.. to the end of the list of everything bad+Alawie. Not a single opposition group had come forward to present a vision or an idea of what would be their stance on the thousands of Alawies serving in the Security Services and army. What should Alawies expect if they actually manage to realize that the ruling thugs are going to destroy what is left of the other's trust in them? No one is saying anything about that: Sunnis are vague or just silent at best, and that is what the King exactly whishes for. With no bright future, Alawies are just maintaining the present, no matter how bad it is.

The Alawie sect had suffered hundreds of years of oppression and negligence before, but the biggest harm to it came when one of it's own followers controlled the country! He succeeded in doing what long Sunni oppression and mighty Osman Emperors couldn't do over hundred of years: erasing the Aalwie religion and turning its followers into an identity-less supporters of his rule.

One day the King and his gang will go and he will join his uncle "White Knight of Tadmur" in France in his luxurious life style and white suits, like all ousted kings and rulers. And only the Alawie King Lion and his dynasty and thugs will remain in people's memory. People will forget all other great Alawies like Saad Allah Wannous and Nadeem Muhammad, and we will be responsible for all the backwardness of Syria and its society. Alawie will never have the right to build religious schools or demand a secular education, the majority would say: You didn't do that when you were in power, why should we do it for you now? And they will be damn right in saying that.

Alawie, as a religion or sect, no longer exists like all other sects in Syria. But Alawies have one thing in common: they are the ones who keep this regime alive. And according to Karfan there is another thing that is common between us, Alawies: We have no future, at least not one that is worth looking forward to.

Myth No.6: We have Diamond

The second vision for the future of Syria is that "King Lion the 2nd", after finishing his fictitious struggle with some fictitious so called old guard factions in his party, will eventually grace us with freedom and reform and will sail the Syrian ship towards the high-sea of advancement.

Karfan thinks that this vision is so pathetic it makes him vomit. More pathetic are the deluded pathetic people who believe in it.

Most people know the French "King Louis the 16th" whose head was chopped like a potato by the angry mob. Karfan has this theory that when this king's ancestors started their dynasty, they actually had names: the first King Louis and the second King Francois the third King Charles or something. After a while though, people noticed that there are no differences between those kings and stopped bothering giving them different names. They just gave them the name Louis and numbered them: King Louis the 3rd, the 4th and so on.

Now many people here in Syria and outside are chewing what the French people had spat; they are actually giving our kings names in hope that they are going to be different from one another. Karfan is smarter than everybody, he labeled our eternal Leader as "King Lion the 1st" way back when he was still secretly training his "Baby Lion the 1st" to take his place. In fact, karfan never called a single despot in what is so called Arab countries by their names. He figured out early that they are all the beginning of dynasties: "NeoPharon the 1st" of Egypt, "King Jerk the 1st" of Libya etc. In Syria, "Baby Lion the 1st" never made it though; he was murdered by careless Mercedes engineers who could not design a car that can turn a curve with a speed of 300Km/h. But since our Lord had ample reserve of cubs, he started preparing "Baby Lion the 2nd" who became our lord "King Lion the 2nd". Recently, postures have been circulated of one of this new King's babies who did not reach his ten years old with the word "The Hope" on it. That is the future "King Lion the 3rd". Our present leader himself didn't even bother giving his baby a different name, he named him after his father, the eternal Leader.

Among his many titles, such as the leader, the, liberator, the doctor etc, "King Lion the 2nd" has this reputation that makes Karfan go crazy every time it is said in front of him: Western Educated!!
Our lord keeps telling foreign newspapers that he can not do the promised reforms because the people here are basically dump and stupid he cannot find enough similar "western educated" snobs to carry out his vision. Karfan did not believe his eyes when he read one interview in which this snob of a king told the reporter that the people in Syria are corrupt and incapable. To have some crushed stupid citizen like Karfan vilifying his fellow crushed citizens is one thing, but to have our "ELECTED" (that was he said) leader vilify us is outrageous. Karfan swears at everybody, but he has the right to rant because he refuses to immigrate (nor outside, nor back to the village that his father came from) in hope that something might change eventually even when he is seventy years old. But if our leader thinks we are stupid, then why doesn't he go the hell back to the west that he was "educated" by?

Everybody here knows the period that "Baby Lion the 2nd" spent in the West is less than two years, some 22 months or so. Karfan spent more than tow years trying to understand one book from that western education written by Nietzsche. So karfan, although self-admitting his limited mental capabilities, is wondering how is it possible for one person to spend 22 months in the west and be full-roundly "Western Educated", especially when that person had been living here under the direct Lion-ism Educational Instructions and Teachings of his father for the other 32 years of his life. Obviously, our leader went there and learned, in addition to his medical education, all about western philosophy, election systems, democratic processes, industrial promotion, administration systems, secular governing, financial management, and spaceship building, all in 22months. But the only reason he cannot carry out his plans to make Syria beat Sweden with advancement is the stupid dump people around him here who could not have a similar "western education". Yeih?

One relative of karfan's friend was an officer under "Baby Lion the 2nd" back in the days when he was ruling over one regiment of what his father made into El-Harass El-Alawie (Republican Guard made into 100% deluded Alawie poor villagers). This guy said that most soldiers and officers disliked him and were all yearning for the days of his brother "Baby Lion the 1st". "Baby Lion the 1st" was actually never popular among normal people such as "baby Lion the 2nd", but Karfan figured out that if someone can not win the respect of his own direct subordinates, then he is not worthy of Karfan's interest altogether, even though many people are fooled with him being a computer-geek and all.

Another word that kills Karfan when he listens to is "Khitab El-Kassam" (Inauguration Speech). This word became a new vocabulary by itself together with other newly invented meaningless vocabularies such as Islah Wa Tatweer (Reform and Development) etc. Karfan, until this very moment, has never heard or read or know a single word of what "King Lion the 2nd" said in that speech. But what kills Karfan the most is stupid people who are referring to that speech like it was a Testament from heaven and building their dreams and hopes around it. Obviously, they have never known the Diamond story.

Back during the gloomy years of the second half of the eighties, our Eternal Leader "King Lion the 1st" made a speech in which he said that Syria has discovered diamond mines in the north-western area near Idleb city. He said literally that soon enough we might be even richer than our cousins the Saudis. Karfan, who was listening attentively to this great news, was full of joy and started jumping around like a monkey who found a big banana. (I also remember this speech, for those of you who don’t believe, you can get ample references in Syria to every single word our Eternal Leader has ever uttered in his life, since all his speeches are better documented than even the teaching of the prophet himself). Karfan and his fellow friends who listened to this speech started immediately planning their fancy homes and trips to Europe when they will become reach like the Saudis. But after that speech, there was not even a word about the diamond!! Every time someone asked, the government shooed them away with some excuse or another. Eventually it turned out to be a big LIE! Apparently, according to an engineer close to karfan, they suspected something when they were digging some hole there, and someone came up with the brilliant idea that this might be a diamond mine. Yet, our Eternal Leader never bothered to tell us the 99% uncertainty of this sorrowful event, and decided to just lie and let us live with dreams of fancy houses and trips to Europe. After giving up on waiting for the diamond, Karfan decided that he will never ever listen to a single speech by a King. He invented the Daloona Reciting Technique to space out whenever he was forced to hear a speech, or avoided it all together when he could.

Back to the French "King Louis the 16th". It took 16 King Louis for the usually-clever French people to realize that these kings will not get any different from one another. Karfan is wondering how many Kings it would take for the dumb-ass Syrians who still repeat Khitabb El-Kassam (the inauguration Speech) to reach the same conclusion, maybe till the King 28th?

Till then.. They can wait for the diamond.

Myth No.5: We will slaughter each other

When it comes to the future of Syria, there are two and only two visions circulating between people and analysts whether here or outside. We will talk about the second one in the next post. (If we are still free then)

The first glorious vision for this country is that by external banging (aka American army), or internal explosion we are going to fall into chaos and civil war and start slaughtering each other similarly to what happened in Yugoslavia and elsewhere. Of course on a much bigger scale since we beat anyone else with the number of sects and stray groups that live on this land. The fear of civil war is so indigenous to our heads it makes many people scared of even mentioning any topic that they think it touches our sacred presumed unity. To the extent that many comments were left here accusing us of being cowards and stirring trouble by ranting the way we do. One genius even suggested that we will lead the country into civil war if people start talking like us. When I told Karfan about that, he threw me out of the door and chouted: go back right away and write this apology:

Karfan does not think we will ever fall into a civil war, but if it happen, then he personally apologizes in advance because the reason for that upcoming civil war will not be the hatred and distrust we feed our children with towards other sects and groups, it will not be the disrespect and humiliation we have been taught and treated with by our governments, it will not be the shitty internal and external situation that our great successive leaders led us into since independence, it will not be the long years of segregation and negligence of many groups and sects away from the main cities, it will not be the history of sectarian and religious trouble we had since the books can remember, hell it will not even be the Zionist-Imperialist-Neoconservative conspiracy this time! It is going to be the sole fault of the miserable Karfan and his blog-writing friend!!! Go bang your heads into the nearest wall if you don't like what we write, said Karfan.

That is what our great leaders have been drumming up our heads with since birth: "How to self-believe and be self-convinced that living like a silent sheep is actually better for you". They have invented this civil-war fear and "national-unity preservation" bullshit so that no one would think of opening their mouth. We are not allowed to talk about anything that is considered controversial in our society. With a fucked-up society as the one we have, this leaves us few topics to speak about, and that is exactly what most of us speak about usually: girls talk about cooking, and guys about masturbation.

What is wrong with ranting and complaining about something different? Or is it only alright if we complain about our TV not being like the Lebanese one or about the expensive prices of cars, or about the bad taste of rice these days? Nine hundred years of living next to each other and still all what we know about each other is a bunch of lies that are regurgitated from generation to generation. We have a great unofficial and official policy of uprooting sectarianism and tribalism: Ignoring their existence!! Well, they are not going to go away by just shutting the fuck up. How can we uproot something without knowing what the heck it is in the first place? Most of the rest of us know about Martians more than they know about Kurds or Druuz who have been living here for thousands of years. What is wrong about complaining that our fathers "failed generation" spent sixty years loosing their Don Kichotian wars and chasing dreams while forgetting to make us know each other better and build us a solid identity?

Karfan wisdom is: The first step in fixing something is BITCHING about it!!
Knowing and exposing the problem is half the solution. Ignoring it or pondering silently about it, will only leads to what we all saw happened in Kameshli city couple of months ago. We think that we can not bitch about anything serious or even mention anything serious because we might stir the sleeping monster of civil war and social trouble. That is what we have been conditioned to believe, especially when it comes to the main issue of Alawi-Sunni question.

This is Karfan's idiotic interpretation of the events: When our Eternal Leader "King Lion the 1st" was growing up he probably believed that he could get his ass on top of the presidency chair with the help of his Baathi friends and followers. But soon after he realized that not enough people are buying the bullshit of Baathism, he turned into finding a bigger pool of followers: his sect the Alawis. Our fathers then found this as a chance to get rid of their seven hundred years of segregation and being treated like semi-human beings, and they helped him up. Soon after, they noticed that instead of building a real secular civil society in which they and other minorities can guarantee being treated equally by our Sunni big-brothers, he and the gang around him were more concerned in building their own bank-accounts and influence. When he noticed that he is risking that many Alawis are starting not to buy his bullshit, then he resolved into convincing them that if they do not side by him, their historical depressors, the Sunnis, will kick their asses back to the top of the cruel mountains they once came from. The stupid Muslim-Brother gang helped him in his mission by hunting down every single poor Alawi they could get their hand on. The "White Knight of Tadmur" helped even more by doing the same to the Sunnis. ("King Lion the 1st" 's brother: White: because he always wore a white stupid tuxedo suit since he was kicked out of the country, Tadmur=Palmera is where the Tadmur-Prison, famous for the dirtiest torture techniques, once was located. That is where he, one day, felt so merciful and decided to relief some thousand prisoners from the torture agony: by executing them).

Generations from each group grew up convinced that the others hate them and want to feast on their blood at the next chance they might get. And of course our Eternal Leader and his gang lived happily in the meanwhile.

When the death of our Eternal Leader was announced, Karfan and many of his deluded Alawi friends in Damascus did not go to work in fear that their Sunni coworkers would jump on them and beat the shit out of their living soles. That is what we have been told, that they will slaughter us or beat us and kick us back to the mountains. So Karfan took the sharpest kitchen knife and barricaded in his dirty little illegal half-built house on top of one damascene hill. But nothing happened!! No angry Sunni crowd, no beating, and no one was asked to go back to the mountains. It was all a lie! But hadn't we all, from all sects and groups, believed this lie, the chances of "King Lion the 2nd" to be the next king of Syria would have been less than the chances of Karfan becoming the king of Luxemburg. We were so full of this civil war fear shit that everybody shut up and listened and clapped to his caricatural Inauguration Speech!

Let us rant, what is your problem? If you do not like our fucked-up opinions then write down yours and let us read it. When we learn never to distrust the other no matter how much we do not like their opinions, we will never have civil wars. We will only have a civil war and social unrest if, and only if, we convince ourselves that we are going to have one. Shutting the fuck up will not save us from civil wars and ranting and bitching will not start ones.

On a different note, Karfan believes that all people here are also so Karfaneh (disgusted) of doing anything, to the extent that they will not even start a civil war. It is a good thing to be that disgusted, after all.

Myth No.4: We are Not Pathetic

All of us are pathetic. If you want a prove that not only the two of us are pathetic, then have a look at some of the comments left to our posts. Vulgarity is how Syrians respond to others expressing their feelings. Most people here react the same anyway when anyone around them starts speaking about the existing truth that no one is permitted to voice. They think that by just ignoring how much we are miserable and distrust each other, all would be fine.

Of course we are pathetic, and so is every single person lives here. What exactly do you expect us to be after 16 years of the worst education on earth, 3 years of being treated like shoe-soles in army, 12 years living in slums, and 40 years of Bil-Rooh-Bil-Damm Nafdeek Ya ... whoever? Eih? Do you expect us to develop liking to fine art and symphonies, or “grow above our feelings” and “smile to the future”?

But for those people angry at us we would like to say that they don't have to worry much about the continuity of our humble contribution to “The Anti-Arab Zionist-Imperialistic Crusaders Campaign” (the usual name for anything that is not to the liking of our Lords and Clerics and the idiots who believe them). Karfan and I are sure that despite the fact that I am posting from a nearby country, which I happen to visit very frequently, the geniuses of the uncountable mukhabarat organs of our lord "King Lion the 2nd" will sooner or later track me down. Karfan made me promise not to confess his name if that happen until after the fifth slap on the face in respect to our friendship. After which, we will be both thrown into jail and this outrageous scandalous site would be shut down. Only then, all would be fine and happy again and Syrians angry with us should be relieved that our society would go back to its solidarity and unison.

Since we will end up there for sure, we take this opportunity to deeply appreciate the incredible improvement in prison conditions under the rule of "King Lion the 2nd" in comparison to the days of our "Eternal Leader King Lion the 1st". Apparently the prisons were fully refurbished so much to the extent that they were compared to Five Star Hotels by a past prominent comrade who had the privilege of visiting the prisons in both prosperous eras. What this left-over-comrade forgot to notice is that at the time when our new ruler was improving the Inside-Of-Prisons, Out-Of-Prison conditions have been deteriorated and became below those of prisons. Under the rule of his father the Eternal Leader, we could steal electricity and water to our heart content to compensate the dirt semi-salaries we used to be given. Now we are blessed with “Law Rule” like all advanced nations. We are supposed to be lawful citizens and pay for every bloody service that "King Lion the 2nd" and his gang in ministries and private enterprises bless us with while still getting dirt semi-salaries. So actually, we will be more than happy to leave the barn-like slum we live in and have a five star hotel accommodation since Karfan and I never sat foot in such hotels before. We appreciate if our comrade instruct us whether towels are provided or should we take ours with us?

By the way, karfan do not like this out-dated comrade who mentioned the five star hotels story. The reason being that the sister of Karfan's best friend and her fiancee were deceived by this man's ideas and joined his infamous organization few months before their marriage. They were too stupid thinking that being Alawis, the same sect of our Eternal Leader, would give them the right to use their heads and actually think for themselves. Two months after their marriage, the geniuses of the mukhabarat noticed that, because of their political activity, the couple did not have the chance to have a honeymoon and invited them to spend a free-of-charge extended honeymoon at a Two Star Hotel in the basement of one branch. The honeymoon went on for fifteen years! Yes, 15 ys. During which, and out of our leaders concerns of preserving the conservatism and morals of our Syrian society, they were put in separate cells. Logically of course, Karfan and his friend always blamed and cursed the out-dated comrade for this incidence not our Eternal Leader whose name cannot be defiled. The couple ended their 15 ys shittymoon, managed to find a half-built room in a slum near Damascus and are living happily ever after. And you think we are not pathetic?

The other day, Karfan was asked by the establishment he works for to “voluntarily” join a support demonstration outside the Syrian Parliament while "King Lion the 2nd" was supposed to give a very important speech. Only Karfan signed in voluntarily; the rest were taken there anyway. Karfan wanted to go so that he would avoid listening to the speech, because all people and employees were supposed to be mesmerized behind their TVs or radios and listen to it. Karfan prides himself that he never listened to, or read, a single word of any of the speeches that our lord "King Lion the 2nd" blessed us with. At the gathering outside the parliament, Karfan spaced out as he usually does in such important occasions trying to recite the full long series of Aassi Al-Hellani's Aala Daloona in his head. This way, he does not have to pay attention to anything said there or to speeches, he only would raise his hand when others raise it and move his mouth in what resembles: Bil Rooh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya... while actually he is still reciting Daloona in his head. The shouting of the others always covers his muteness.

After this voluntarily patriotic contribution was over, Karfan was told the next day that "King Lion the 2nd" announced that our troops will be withdrawn from Lebanon. Karfan and his coworkers and others who were there together with the pathetic representatives of the pathetic Syrian people had shouted Bil Rooh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya... for that decision of course. Had "King Lion the 2nd" announced that our troops will stay in Lebanon, Karfan and al. would have of course shouted Bil Rooh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya... Had "King Lion the 2nd" announced that we will declare war on America and invade Washington DC, Karfan and al. would have of course shouted Bil Rooh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya... Had "King Lion the 2nd" decided not to utter a single word and just stand there and chant Aala Daloona, Karfan and al. would have of course shouted Bil Rooh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya... And you think we are not pathetic?

As Karfan puts it: we have a certified license to prove that we are pathetic, it is called the “Citizen ID” of Syrian Arab Republic.