Myth No. 12: We Wear Suits
Karfan soon dispersed this last theory. Obviously Internet still can not transfer itself through the tight air of Syria as our mighty Lord King Lion the Second can find ways of preventing it from seeping into Syria and closing its sites to viewing.
Karfan suggested we should make two hasty pray bows to the might of our Lord King Lion the Second; he, after all was able to control something that even America and Israel could not disturb. What a calamity.
Yes! Our mighty Lord King Lion the 2nd is back and kicking, and we are back ... and kicking.
Since this is our first time outside of Syria in a year (more for Karfan), it is a chance to write some ranting. We are so raised in the culture of fear to the extent that neither I nor Karfan have even looked once to this website from within Syria in the previous year!
Many commentators were concerned. Thanks. The reality is that we have this thing in Syria called Karaf (disgust) that the moment you start something, it looms over your head and then drops heavy on you making you so disgusted to continue anything you started. You start asking your self “What is the purpose?” “What difference is it going to make?” and then you find no answer and just quit. Whether people admit it or not, Karfan never knew in his entire life anyone in this place who did something to the end. The only exception was our beloved King Lion the First who never ever got disgusted from continuing his tyranny over us till the last drop of his blessed sole. But who are we to be as great as the Great Leader? We will get disgusted and we will get bored and we might quit this stupid blogging business altogether, so readers, quit nagging over our heads.
For the other not-nice-commentators: quit arguing over things not related to Syria here. It is taking so much time to delete your stupid comments together with the tons of advertisement spam we found here. We do not give a damn fuck about your religious arguments and we do not give a damp fuck if both America and Bin laden group killed each others to the last drop of blood. And it is not Saudi-fucking-Arabia we are from morons. With all the Syrian retardness, we still Four Thousand years of civilization ahead of those American serving Bedewins.
So many things had happened in the last year that prevented us from writing. For instance, at some point we were too busy “Tenting”. Tenting is one of the newest and greatest contributions of the King Lion Dynasty to the backwardness of this miserable country. We sat in tents defying the International Investigation conspiracy over Syria! Don’t ask me how, but it was interesting with matteh drinking to our hearts content.
Recently we were busy helping Lebanese refugees. King Lion decided that Syria has much abundance of wealth that we should share with our neighboring brothers. So while he and his guru in Lebanon were so happy counting the Israeli tanks they burned and the Israeli flies they downed, the Lebanese were blown to smithereens and the Syrians were fucked trying to help what left of them. We are actually in the Bekaa those two days for the same purpose; delivering some medicines to families here. We offered to participate so that we could have a peek at our blog. Selfish bastards you might think, but we really don’t think Syrian medicine is useful for anything anyhow. So we might as well be doing something useful.
More than a year ago, Karfan decided that we should shut up and stop being unlawful subjects to our giving King. That was exactly after the time-wasting Baath conference last year, when everybody was holding their breath for some big changes, except Karfan of course as you can read in the earlier posts. When King Lion the 2nd gave everyone the finger and changed nothing, not even his ugly choice of neckties he insists on wearing, everyone went mad barking and riding the new fashion in Syria: OPPONENTISM (A Registered Syrian Trade Mark). Being an Opponent or as they like to call themselves sometimes NASHETT (An Activist!!) became a profession like Carpenter and Engineer. Yes really, you ask someone what do you do, and he replies: NASHETT!! They were introduced as such as well at TVs they have no other jobs!
From up and down, from inside and outside, foreign and locals, everyone became a big-shot analyst and started their full-fledged verbal attack on our harmless King Lion the 2nd. Soon-after, the second and foremost biggest Burglar in our history after you know who, the nuclear waste importer, our beloved permanent vice-president found that this new profession of Opponentism sounded better than merely “vice-president”, so he also became one. He did not win much though, no one listened to him so he was obliged to take the post of “vice-opponent” to the leader of Butcher-Brothers of Syria. Just before that, his fellow gang member the Lord of Lebanese Governorate under the rule of the Eternal King Lion the 1st, ended his life with a bullet after a brief attempt, just an attempt, of being an Opponent. You see, in Syria, being a Sunni Opponent; eihhh well,,,: your fucked. Being an Alawie Opponent: you are REALLY fucked. Our merciful Lord expects some of his other subjects to be a bit annoyed of his rule, a bit, not much though. But certainly has no tolerance for ungrateful unthankful Alawie subjects whom his father graced by bringing them from their stinky villages and indulged them into life as semi-human beings under his rule after being treated as non-human beings for decades.
With the big fuckers of the United Crusaders of America barking as well, Karfan felt sorry for our Lord King Lion the 2nd because of all this attack on him, verbal and harmless as it might be. Karfan decided to follow the great wisdom that the Lords and Kings of this area of the world have been telling their people to follow for the past four hundred years: “Taking into consideration this Critical Moment of our History, you should shut the fuck up”. So we did; for a whole year.
But after the stream of the Opponents has gone weak, and our Lord King Lion the 2nd emerged up yesterday declaring our grand victory over the forces of evil of the West and East and their dirty agents, and after all the great poetry with which his lawful subjects interrupted his speech praising his unmatched courage and wisdom in winning the unsurpassed victory, Karfan and I just assumed that this Critical Moment of our miserable history is finally over now and we might then continue our harmless barking.
Of course we are still bewildered over what the hell our King was talking about. But we dare not ask when and how and with-who and over-what was this big battle at which we won a great victory! The late Iraqi King declared victory when his troops were been defeated in the battle, our King has overtopped that. He declared victory in a battle that never even existed, for Syria anyhow. Fuck! That is genius. Long Live King Lion the 2nd.
The real reason for stopping the rant is that Karfan was actually karfan (disgusted) with the word NASHETT, to the extent that every time I wanted to make him go crazy all what I had to do is turn the TV on one of those NASHETTs barking about his unchallenged sacred great opinion. Your chances are guaranteed to find one or two of them at TV channels at any given momen, most of the time barking at each others.
Karfan has another word he calls those people with: AIRI. The direct translation of which is “My Penis”, Might sound weird in English, but it is very meaningful in Syrian Arabic. An AIRI is someone who thinks that he is above everybody else. Maybe that was the perception of Karfan of his penis, but it surely worked well for the description of those people.
The first time Karfan used this word was at a High-school Production Camp; a soviet invention for cheap child-labor by ruining the summer holiday under the name of youth participation in social building. But it worked though: Karfan and I painted walkway rims in black and white that summer, and that was probably the most productive thing that we have ever done to this country.
At the end of the camp, they gathered the youth of several camps for the prime minister to come and ring our ears with a blasting speech. After spending several hours under the burning sun waiting for the holly prime minister to educate us with his boring we-know-all-about speech, most students were at the edge of melting. When the prime minister appeared finally, Karfan looked toward his direction and yelled: “Sharraf Airi!!” (Airi graced us with his presence). Karfan words were onlyheard within a circle of 20 people around him who blasted with laughter. Unfortunately, the trainer was standing within that circle. Karfan was smacked on the neck by the trainer who kept calling him Hayawan Jahesh (Animal, donkey etc..: some civilzed nicknames used by teachers in Syria for their missbehaved students), and was taken immediately to the Security Officer. You’d think he was thrown in jail for years for that; no. He came back after the speech with a pitch red neck laughing at us who were pitch red anyhow after being forced to sit in the sun for an additional two hours listening to the idiot prime minister talking about how great our Lord King Lion the 1st is, something we already know of course.
Karfan explained to the Security Officer that he thought the prime minister is an Airi because he was wearing a suit and a necktie! You see, said Karfan to the Security Officer, we are here in a production camp where everyone is wearing military fatigues and dirty as shit, even our trainers. And here comes our prime minister wearing a clean suit and a clean necktie. That is outrageous and does not go well with our Socialism society (back in the days when this ward might have meant something). The Security Officer was convinced with Karfan’s ranting and made him go after smacking his neck with several slaps.
At that time though, the time of our King Lion the 1st, God bless his soul, it was not a big crime to swear at the prime minister. As long as you do not approach the holly spirit of himself the King, everyone else was equal in being the subject of ridicule by everyone else. Now-a-days, Baby Lion has established a whole gang of Untouchables. You could be in trouble if you say something about his cousin or his brother-in-law or his wife's family, or even the prime minister. The present prime minister had actually put people in prison for criticizing him! Oh, the days of our King Lion the 1st. We lament those days.
Karfan’s theory on why is nothing working in this country is the “Theory of Suit-Wearing Airis”.
You see, Syria may as well win the prize of the worst dressed nation on earth. Have you ever been to the Karajat (Bus terminal) in Aleppo for example, or in Latakia, or even Baramkeh? Have you ever seen the green pantaloons under the grey dishdashe of a Deerelzorian, or the red shirt tucked under yellow pants raised to the chest of a Latakian?
Forget about Damascus and the few educated people who live in nice neighborhoods, who know about Channel and Eve-Fuck-Loran and this worthless shit. Go to Dahadeel, go to Eish Elwarwar, go to Kudsaya el balad, go to the suburb and see what Syria is. Half of the population cannot read and more than that can not write for fuck sake. Go and see the children in Mukhayam and ask how many of them go regularly to school. Have a conversation with some welder in the industrial area in Hama or a loader in the Mina in Tartous. We are simple, we are not much educated, we are not much bright, we are not fashionable, and definitely, definitely, we DO NOT WEAR SUITS AND NECKTIES.
But it is okay; that the way we are; much more simpler people than us were able to build great economies in Asia for example when led the right way.
Our real problem is that every Airi who leads us or is eager to lead us: every general manager of governmental establishment and every government high-shot employee, every minister and the King himself, and now-a-days every anti-government opponent and every Nashett, ever Airi of them wears a suit and a necktie. How the fuck you expect us to follow you when you don’t even wear the same cloth as us, you don’t eat the same food as us, and you treat us like some dump stupid garbage just because you use some fancy jargons shit and different words than us?
At the establishment where Karfan works, an Airi came few weeks ago with a European expert to make a study on enhancing the productivity of the establishment. Of course the Airi who wears a suit and necktie never even bothered to ask the employees their opinions and ideas. Nor of course he even bothered asking the citizens who have direct works with the establishment. He came into the offices looking disgustedly at the people in it, shook his head over the sight of empty tea and matteh cups on the desks (well, the matteh was only at Karfan’s desk) and moved to the next office. It was like the employees were some insects that ruined his apatite for the day. That was exactly the way that the new minister has performed his site-visit to Karfan’s establishment when he took office couple of months ago. The only difference is that the new minister Airi was “smiling disgustingly”, while the expert Airi was “frowning disgustingly” as Karfan describes it. They both, after there very thorough visit in which they risked their suit and necktie catching some dirt from Karfan and fellow employee’s dirty desks, they pinned a Muallakah (great piece of poetry) on how they think the productivity of the establishment should be increased!
Of course both reports were absolute crap. General bullshit that does not have a piece of useful detail since of course the great Airi experts never bothered themselves in knowing the details to begin with. But that is enough to be an Airi here; wear a suit and necktie and speak general bullshit.
Karfan, being the engineer responsible for the air-conditioning in the establishment, has given the experts a very good lesson in Airi management. He ordered his two workers to fuck up the air-conditioning and spent the next week “fixing it”. The only rooms that have air-conditioning in the establishment are the general manager’s and his deputies’, and an extra room that is given usually to the experts or other Airis when they visit. Karfan’s point was to put the experts into a similar situation to the rest of the employees so that maybe they can come up with useful suggestion of "increasing productivity". The European expert could not stand the heat and ran away with the Airi expert to his European organization office. Karfan received a big scolding from the general manager deputy, blamed it on the lack of the sapre parts, and went back to his matteh.
Airi Opponents drum our heads day and night with talks about changing the political system and forcing the regime to democratize the country. No one ever bothered to spend some time in researching the demographical distribution of the population and study a detailed method of actually making voting accessible to all. They talk about reducing state employees without even knowing how many employees there are and without really knowing what are the real work conditions and without giving any detailed solutions, in numbers, on what to do with these employees really. All is something like the American solution for Iraqi: let us disperse the army now and we will think of details later.
In short the message of Airi Opponents is very clear and simple: REMOVE THE REGIME AND PUT ME THERE INSTEAD. And what do they have to compete with the regime or other Nashetts; detailed plans for Damascus traffic: No, detailed plans for economy revival: No, detailed plans for government employees efficiency increase: No, detailed plans of anything: No. Just better suit and neckties, and we, stupid normal Syrians who cannot match their fashion skills should just sit there and choose our next government according to the nicest suit and the loveliest necktie. Fuck that, we are not that stupid you Airi assholes. If that is all what you can come up with, then even this ranting blog offers more patriotism than yours. If that is all what you can come up with, then Long Live King Lion the 2nd and his fictitious victories, at least they are funny.