Myth No. 8: Karfan Occupied Lebanon

It has been a while. Not that Karfan has stopped ranting, he never does. Nor that there are no more things to rant about here, you can bitch until you die and still miss stuff in this messed up area of the world. The reason was me. I am so much a cowered that I swore on my grandmother grave I would not post a single character from within Syria even if "King Lion the 2nd" himself guaranteed my safety. A sheep never trust a Lion, never.

But it is becoming difficult for people like me to go to the nearby country I am posting from. King Lion the 2nd's younger brother and his cousin killed one of the past cooperators there, and the rest of the warlords there found this a good opportunity to stop sharing the cake with King Lion and his gang and moved to kick his army out. This assassinated big thief was until recently a very good friend of the Lion's gang. But the rule of all gangs is that no one is safe in a gang. There is no trust or reliance in gangs. Keep your eyes open while you sleep and keep your knife in your hand at all times. And never trust a Lion, never.

The people in that country are angry at the death of one of their own thieves by Syrian thieves. Understandably; Most Syrians do not want someone from Turkey for example to assassinate some big dick head of ours neither. Although Karfan cannot see what is wrong with that anyhow: let them kill each other till the last dick head. Anyhow, the Lebanese are now revolting against the extended visit of King Lion's army to their land. They are asking for the end of the “Occupation”. I still remember when Karfan and I first heard that sentence in the news: “Lebanese are demonstrating against the Syrian occupation of Lebanon”. Karfan burst with laughter for 15 minutes thereafter, every now and then would stop to catch his breath and says “Syrian Occupation!!” then goes back to his crazy laughter.

Karfan has the no-pleasure of being one of those so-called occupiers during his very-obligatory military service as a lieutenant, or in Arabic “Moulazem” which is ironically a homonym to “Mou Lazem” meaning “Unnecessary”. That was exactly the role of Karfan and most of his fellows who were driven to that 2 years waste-of-time period: unnecessary one.

There might have been golden days for those occupiers from the failed generation of our fathers during the seventies and early eighties, when there were actually still things to steal and plunder in Lebanon back then. But for the occupiers who belong to Karfan generations, that is the happy generations who were born after the happy Baath revolution, this “Occupation” period was one of the most humiliating experiences they have ever had. And believe me, in Syria, you can encounter many of those experiences.

Unarguably, this occupation is still a golden egg for the high-class hyenas roaming around King Lion. For example, the sons of the Chronic-vice-president of the King have just opened their third Casino there last year. The assassinated Lebanese thief blessed this investment without paying attention that he should have asked the permission of their rival King Lion's cousin. Similar to what the assassinated thief was trying to do in Lebanon, the Syrian chronic-vice-president, who goes by a truly representative name: Servant, is trying to polish his image now-and-then as a hope and true-representative of the Sunni community in Syria. Karfan is guessing that participating in the humiliation of a whole country for decades, stealing half of its resources, manipulating a near-by country into an extended civil war, and owning a couple of Casinos is not a contradictory act to the true Islam, especially according to the Saudi version of it.

But let us skip the big deals that are done between the warlords in Lebanon and the high-class officials in Syria. And let us skip those black Mercedes cars of high-class officials that use to go and come to Lebanon unquestioned whenever the hell they want. What then left for the Syrian people out of that occupation is what Karfan calls: The La-Vache-Qui-Rit Occupation. (The Laughing Cow: A famous French cheese that was prohibited in Syria, and smuggled from Lebanon mainly by soldiers who were “Occupying” it).

During that occupation, Karfan and his fellow occupiers had to spend long hours bargaining the merchants of the many shops in the Bekaa'a area to lower the price of a tea-cup set or a cheese box for two or three Liras. They had to literally beg many a time to convince those merchants to wait until they can get the money from selling the stuff in Syria. They had to undergo the humiliation imposed by military police every time they pass the border. They had to stay in filthy tents and half made dirty barricades, and they had to be denied from going home for couple of months sometimes. On top of that of course, they had to shout every morning: Bil Rouh Bil Dam Nafdeek Ya King Lion, and to gather what is left of their broken pride and pretend to walk around in Lebanon like they own the place. That is the apex of Karaf (disgust). Occupation my ass.

Every two weeks, Karfan and six of his miserable fellow officers, up to a rank of major, used to be sardine-ed into the cap of an infamous Zeel truck. A Zeel is a failed Russian simulation of a moving object, which gives the feeling it is running on square wheels not round ones. Meanwhile, thirty of there miserable soldiers were sardine-ed into the back of that truck standing all the way with no space to lift a hand. At the border coming back, while the black Mercedes cars used to fly at the speed of light unquestioned, Karfan and the rest of the occupiers had to get out of the truck to negotiate how many pieces of the La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese they are smuggling they would give to the military police to let them go in with the rest. Prices always deferred depending on the mood of our Lord King Lion: sometimes he gives the orders to be strict and the military police would take everything.

The few hundred Liras fortune that Karfan made from smuggling tea-cup sets and La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese is all what he gained from his year-and-a-half occupation of Lebanon. He always said that he certainly would have rather spent it in the “SEEN”, which is the worst you can spend your military service in; a supposedly secret, but everyone knows where it is, military airport in the middle of the desert. At least there, he does not have to go through the weekly humiliation he encountered in Lebanon. More importantly, no one there in the middle of the desert would check if he and his soldiers are repeating the daily morning shout: Our Leaders for Eternity: King Lion and his Family, Bil Rouh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya. . . .

Of all things, Karfan always felt a sense of respect towards La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese. Others smuggled many luxurious items that our poor Syrian population in Zahra, Eish El Wawrar, Kudsaya, etc were denied-of under King Lion the 1st's rule, such as baby powder milk and tea that is not mixed with manure as it used to be in Syria. Karfan on the other hand, insisted on concentrating on La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese because he felt that he is doing a Social Contribution for the miserable Syrian people by smuggling it. He always theorized that the reason why this particular type of cheese never lost its popularity lies not in its taste but in the picture of the laughing cow at the cover. Among all the miseries and disgust we lived in, and among all the fake smiles and pretended laughter of the un-happy presenters on our Arabic television networks here and outside, the smile of that cow was the only genuinely happy smile that parents can show their children so that those children would know what does it mean to be truly happy. Karfan was proud to participate in that mission.

But now it is all coming to an end, and no more La-Vache-Qui-Rit Occupation. The merciful government in Syria does not want to deny the children the knowledge of the happy smile, so they finally allowed that cheese to be imported to Syria. Of course, after making sure that someone in the high-class hyenas would benefit from importing it like it is done to everything else here. But Karfan looks at the cow on the cover of that Hyena-imported cheese and he says that the smile is different!! “The cow is not laughing from the bottom of its heart anymore like it used to be on the cover of the cheese I used to smuggle from Lebanon during my years of La-Vache-Qui-Rit Occupation”. “Maybe, it was happier in Lebanon than it is here”. He continues with a bitter sigh: “who cares anyhow if children knew what is a genuine smile, they are not likely to use that knowledge in the gloomy future waiting for them”.