Myth No. 8: Karfan Occupied Lebanon

It has been a while. Not that Karfan has stopped ranting, he never does. Nor that there are no more things to rant about here, you can bitch until you die and still miss stuff in this messed up area of the world. The reason was me. I am so much a cowered that I swore on my grandmother grave I would not post a single character from within Syria even if "King Lion the 2nd" himself guaranteed my safety. A sheep never trust a Lion, never.

But it is becoming difficult for people like me to go to the nearby country I am posting from. King Lion the 2nd's younger brother and his cousin killed one of the past cooperators there, and the rest of the warlords there found this a good opportunity to stop sharing the cake with King Lion and his gang and moved to kick his army out. This assassinated big thief was until recently a very good friend of the Lion's gang. But the rule of all gangs is that no one is safe in a gang. There is no trust or reliance in gangs. Keep your eyes open while you sleep and keep your knife in your hand at all times. And never trust a Lion, never.

The people in that country are angry at the death of one of their own thieves by Syrian thieves. Understandably; Most Syrians do not want someone from Turkey for example to assassinate some big dick head of ours neither. Although Karfan cannot see what is wrong with that anyhow: let them kill each other till the last dick head. Anyhow, the Lebanese are now revolting against the extended visit of King Lion's army to their land. They are asking for the end of the “Occupation”. I still remember when Karfan and I first heard that sentence in the news: “Lebanese are demonstrating against the Syrian occupation of Lebanon”. Karfan burst with laughter for 15 minutes thereafter, every now and then would stop to catch his breath and says “Syrian Occupation!!” then goes back to his crazy laughter.

Karfan has the no-pleasure of being one of those so-called occupiers during his very-obligatory military service as a lieutenant, or in Arabic “Moulazem” which is ironically a homonym to “Mou Lazem” meaning “Unnecessary”. That was exactly the role of Karfan and most of his fellows who were driven to that 2 years waste-of-time period: unnecessary one.

There might have been golden days for those occupiers from the failed generation of our fathers during the seventies and early eighties, when there were actually still things to steal and plunder in Lebanon back then. But for the occupiers who belong to Karfan generations, that is the happy generations who were born after the happy Baath revolution, this “Occupation” period was one of the most humiliating experiences they have ever had. And believe me, in Syria, you can encounter many of those experiences.

Unarguably, this occupation is still a golden egg for the high-class hyenas roaming around King Lion. For example, the sons of the Chronic-vice-president of the King have just opened their third Casino there last year. The assassinated Lebanese thief blessed this investment without paying attention that he should have asked the permission of their rival King Lion's cousin. Similar to what the assassinated thief was trying to do in Lebanon, the Syrian chronic-vice-president, who goes by a truly representative name: Servant, is trying to polish his image now-and-then as a hope and true-representative of the Sunni community in Syria. Karfan is guessing that participating in the humiliation of a whole country for decades, stealing half of its resources, manipulating a near-by country into an extended civil war, and owning a couple of Casinos is not a contradictory act to the true Islam, especially according to the Saudi version of it.

But let us skip the big deals that are done between the warlords in Lebanon and the high-class officials in Syria. And let us skip those black Mercedes cars of high-class officials that use to go and come to Lebanon unquestioned whenever the hell they want. What then left for the Syrian people out of that occupation is what Karfan calls: The La-Vache-Qui-Rit Occupation. (The Laughing Cow: A famous French cheese that was prohibited in Syria, and smuggled from Lebanon mainly by soldiers who were “Occupying” it).

During that occupation, Karfan and his fellow occupiers had to spend long hours bargaining the merchants of the many shops in the Bekaa'a area to lower the price of a tea-cup set or a cheese box for two or three Liras. They had to literally beg many a time to convince those merchants to wait until they can get the money from selling the stuff in Syria. They had to undergo the humiliation imposed by military police every time they pass the border. They had to stay in filthy tents and half made dirty barricades, and they had to be denied from going home for couple of months sometimes. On top of that of course, they had to shout every morning: Bil Rouh Bil Dam Nafdeek Ya King Lion, and to gather what is left of their broken pride and pretend to walk around in Lebanon like they own the place. That is the apex of Karaf (disgust). Occupation my ass.

Every two weeks, Karfan and six of his miserable fellow officers, up to a rank of major, used to be sardine-ed into the cap of an infamous Zeel truck. A Zeel is a failed Russian simulation of a moving object, which gives the feeling it is running on square wheels not round ones. Meanwhile, thirty of there miserable soldiers were sardine-ed into the back of that truck standing all the way with no space to lift a hand. At the border coming back, while the black Mercedes cars used to fly at the speed of light unquestioned, Karfan and the rest of the occupiers had to get out of the truck to negotiate how many pieces of the La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese they are smuggling they would give to the military police to let them go in with the rest. Prices always deferred depending on the mood of our Lord King Lion: sometimes he gives the orders to be strict and the military police would take everything.

The few hundred Liras fortune that Karfan made from smuggling tea-cup sets and La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese is all what he gained from his year-and-a-half occupation of Lebanon. He always said that he certainly would have rather spent it in the “SEEN”, which is the worst you can spend your military service in; a supposedly secret, but everyone knows where it is, military airport in the middle of the desert. At least there, he does not have to go through the weekly humiliation he encountered in Lebanon. More importantly, no one there in the middle of the desert would check if he and his soldiers are repeating the daily morning shout: Our Leaders for Eternity: King Lion and his Family, Bil Rouh Bil Damm Nafdeek Ya. . . .

Of all things, Karfan always felt a sense of respect towards La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese. Others smuggled many luxurious items that our poor Syrian population in Zahra, Eish El Wawrar, Kudsaya, etc were denied-of under King Lion the 1st's rule, such as baby powder milk and tea that is not mixed with manure as it used to be in Syria. Karfan on the other hand, insisted on concentrating on La-Vache-Qui-Rit cheese because he felt that he is doing a Social Contribution for the miserable Syrian people by smuggling it. He always theorized that the reason why this particular type of cheese never lost its popularity lies not in its taste but in the picture of the laughing cow at the cover. Among all the miseries and disgust we lived in, and among all the fake smiles and pretended laughter of the un-happy presenters on our Arabic television networks here and outside, the smile of that cow was the only genuinely happy smile that parents can show their children so that those children would know what does it mean to be truly happy. Karfan was proud to participate in that mission.

But now it is all coming to an end, and no more La-Vache-Qui-Rit Occupation. The merciful government in Syria does not want to deny the children the knowledge of the happy smile, so they finally allowed that cheese to be imported to Syria. Of course, after making sure that someone in the high-class hyenas would benefit from importing it like it is done to everything else here. But Karfan looks at the cow on the cover of that Hyena-imported cheese and he says that the smile is different!! “The cow is not laughing from the bottom of its heart anymore like it used to be on the cover of the cheese I used to smuggle from Lebanon during my years of La-Vache-Qui-Rit Occupation”. “Maybe, it was happier in Lebanon than it is here”. He continues with a bitter sigh: “who cares anyhow if children knew what is a genuine smile, they are not likely to use that knowledge in the gloomy future waiting for them”.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome and hilarious post. Finally more and more people are laughing outloud about the term "occupation" of Syria in Lebanon. Which doesn't mean it was OK, but it was not an occupation.

However funny it was, the La Vache Qui Rit reference is not quite correct, as that was one thing that was readily available in the 70s. Even in my early childhood in the 70s, I distinctly remember the television advertisements on Syrian TV for La Vache Qui Rit - so much in fact I sometimes can't help to start singing it when I see today in supermarkets.

Which reminds me of the "shahadat istesmar" (some form of government bonds) advertisements, if you can call them that, during that period as well! But I digress.

You know, of course, that many people from the "occupied" country are going to go crazy when they read that one of our thieves killed one of their thieves. They're all angels, you see, and ours only are the bad ones. Yeah right. Curse them all!

(and I'm not even sure anymore that I would really mind someone from Turkey doing a job for us, let me tell ya - although come to think of it, the Ottomans have already done quite enoug, thank you very much.)

14/4/05 13:03  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are truly a patriot 'Arfan.

14/4/05 13:39  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can understand why Karfan cannot understsand the word occupation - he will not fully understand it until he is freed (or frees himself). But again that is not Karfan's choice to be part of an occupying army.

14/4/05 14:15  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Karfan, as a Damascene who lives in France, I find your blogger (which has become one of my favourite among the others))wonderful & humorous, despite my minor disagreement with you on some particular points.
Frankly speaking,I would like to salute your pluckiness & most of all your adorable style of writing, which purports to unrestrainedly vent what we were all deprived from saying in public.

Your devoted patriot.

14/4/05 15:56  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey I am so glad you are allright!..It was a while ago I thought mabe they got you ;)
So you still dare go to Lebanon in these times?..well be very careful!Talk with an egypitan accent ;)
As always it is really great to read your writings, You know if you would publish a book with these you would sell! a lot! Mabe you even could get published in the soon future if you wanted, in Lebanon for example ..ironically.
I disagree with you about Hariri, I don't believe he was a theif. He was indeed "Mr Miracle" as called by some international magazines. A miracle in this region, beeing very rich, but a good man! If for example Khaddam, the vice-president in Syria, would be assasinated, beleive me!! No independent Lebanese / Syrian ( well..there are almost only 2 non-bathis banned Syrian ones) magazines and Syrian intellectualls would mourne him, unlike Hariri.
And Lebanon has always been much more democratic than Syria..apart from the war which was a time you can't compare with any other state in piece.
Look at their different newspappers, tv, radio..elections..I am not saying it is perfect, but it is lightyears away from Syria.
Also, and I think because of that, the economy of this little country with almost no natural sources (unlike Syria which is quite rich with natural sources) has a far much better economy and developpment level.
What the Syrian regime does , is to terrorise pepole with their bloodsucking mukhabarat, and they did that too in Lebanon. But as Lebanese have been independent as a country from Syria for quite some time, and been much more free...they will not be as silent as poor dead Syrians.
All Syrians I spoke to think "they", the pepole in power in Syria here,(and all their forces) should have left Lebanon a long time ago.
But ofcourse, these poor suffocated Syrian soldiers and workers , in Lebanon can hardly be blamed for what mukhabaratt and the Syrian regime is doing in Lebanon. The racisme and hatred against them from a part of lebanese is unfair and cruel.
As for the no need of smiles, regarding the black future of our miserable country, I agree with you..Things get even worse here day by day..
I wish there were some rich Syrians who would start a tv channel talking about corruption, unemployment, poverty and human rights instead of all the nonsens our public magazines are talking about, so all pepole...Poor, uneducated, rich and ignorant...all would know..get angry..and finally
do the miracle, act like humans not animals in the private "Lion" ranch, and go to the streets.

14/4/05 21:46  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with karfan. Hariri was a big thief who shared the cake with others. He was a succeful thief since he knew how to please other thiefs. Sooner or later they will wake up in lebanon and the taboos which is talking about the bad deeds of hariri - will be lifted and we will all hear about his thefts. Go ask those whose properties were confiscated by SOLIDER. I am not pleased with the crime of 14 February but one less thief is always better. The irony is - as karfan puts it well - that all other thieves now are trying to wash their hands from all their black history. All those who are now in the opposition are thieves and criminals (as much as their opponents) who did benefit the most from syrians but now found the opportunity to clean themselves. They call their opponents as syrian agents but was there anybody who dealt with syrians and gave them what they want more than hariri himself? I defy one to prove the opposite. Hariri was the biggest helper of syrians in lebanon. He used to have a motto " eat and feed others too". There is no hope with those sheep in lebanon whom they are now all ligned up behind the same members of the gang since 1975!!

15/4/05 00:27  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Evrybody is now saying that the biggest mistake was to extend the rule of president Lahoud and that all the troubles and every misery in the world is because of that. Now in order to clean hariri from having a hand in this mess they resorted to the biggest lie which is the story of Bashar Assad threatening him to force him to agree on the extension along with the story of the clown Maj. Gen. Rustum Ghazele doing the same. This lie is to clean hariri and his clan (the deputies whom he forced down the throat of sunnis) from having a hand in this mess. They will say that they were forced. I wonder why - by the same token - they do not justify for others who are their opponents and i wonder if we are ever going to know the truth about who killed him.

15/4/05 00:56  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Syrian "occupation" wasn't really an occupation like the Israeli occupation of Palestine. Look how the Palestinians are living under occupation, and look how the Lebanese lived under "occupation".

But anyways, i agree that Hariri was sort of "white-washed" after his death, he was hated by quite a few people during his lifetime.

The Syrian regime is on its deatbed. It's surrounded by hostile pro-U.S countries, and there is no way that in this isolation it can survive. It will only be good news for us when the regime is toppled. And by the way, Syrians don't really see Lebanon as "part of Syria". 99% of Syrians don't really care about Lebanon, they see it as a sectarian hell-hole of a country and they definitely don't want it to be part of Syria.

15/4/05 01:40  
Blogger dgfdsgdsgds said...

Glad to see you back Karfan. We missed you. Stay safe.

15/4/05 02:13  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the first Anonymous at 13:03
You said: "However funny it was, the La Vache Qui Rit reference is not quite correct, as that was one thing that was readily available in the 70s."
Yes it was avavilable in the 70s but was then banned with all things imported in the 80s and 90s; that is when someone of Karfan's generation would have served army. In the 80s and 90s soldiers used to smuggle La Vache Qui Rit cheese and even goods available in syria like the tea cups Karfan mentioned just because they are cheaper in Lebanon and better made.

15/4/05 04:41  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to see you updated. You really made my day.

15/4/05 07:53  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All you Bloggers and Fans:
Try to concentrate on your problems (the Lion and his den) and for once please leave Lebanon to the Lebanese. Don't be trapped! Please leave us to our demons and confront your own.

A Lebanese Friend.

15/4/05 11:21  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A small note, for the non-Arabophone readers it's probably useful to point out "Mou Lazem" is dialect, specifically Shami-Iraqi style dialect. My North African brothers won't hear the same pun.

15/4/05 13:19  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to equitor,
inspite the fact that all u said is true, karfan did not say it's not. he was talking about a personal link to the "occupation", one the shows that misery is also the trophy of the poor syrians, like all those lebanese you talk about are poor. we know how both regimes profitered from the war. half of the lebanese ministers are also responsible of all the otrociies the syrians did! we did that to each other also, well not us, them, the rich, to us, the poor.
great blog karfan, i'll come back here more often.

15/4/05 16:10  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Equitor said... "Hundreds of Lebanese are still in Mezze, tadmor and other paradisiac places. Syria is directly responsible for tens of thousands of lebanese casualties (including heavy bombings on Beirut) and has pushed for a war that killed more people than all arab-israeli conflicts."

So why are you supporting Aoun and ge3ga3 and gemayel and co? Aoun killed 5000 Sunni moslem in west beirut and 2000 christian in east beirut along with ge3ga3. Aoun is a butcher and now they are portraying him as a hero. The same goes for Samir Ga3Ga3. Those who are going to vote to any mere sheep. They forgot who these two are. Murders. Hariri was a thief but not a Murder. So if we get rid of all of them it would be nice.

Note: I am not asking they get killed but getting rid of them politically.

16/4/05 00:06  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm brainwashed, equitor? Listen to yourself, "at least palestinians have free elections". The racism is just dripping from you. I know that you Lebanese hate the Palestinians in Lebanon with a vengeance because of what happened during the civil war. But don't try to tell me that i don't know anything about the civil war. It was the Christians that invited Syria to participate, never forget that. I've read so many histories of the civil war from so many viewpoints that i don't need you, regardless of whether you are lebanese or not, teaching me about it.

16/4/05 01:58  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice work. Dont listen to all the lebanese who are whining about calling their martyr a thief. I personally wouldn't call him a thief, but go ahead, suit yourself. I mean it's ok, you should hear all the jokes running around about your lion king.
And dude, come to my house, you'll have as much vache kiri as you like!

16/4/05 04:05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, hell, he is probably a thief after all, but a good thief, with a pacific discourse, a lot of caritative organistations.
He has a moderated and secular line, and was a big asset for the country with all his international connections.

16/4/05 04:10  
Blogger Mohammed said...

glad to see u back karfan...
I was worried about u!

16/4/05 10:11  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does it mean anything to all those observers that lebanese are all still ligned up behind the same politicians who drove them during the war? To me it means lebanese did not learn nothing from the war and that they are politically immature and secterianism is what drive them. All this talk about independance and freedom is all BS. Wait until the truth about hariri murder is revelaed and wait until election and you will all see and those who have high hopes will be shocked. How can they tolerate MPs like Qabbani and 3Ido and Jaloul and De freig? Man! they drive a shark into suicide.

16/4/05 21:24  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Today General Aoun said that he will open up the past and those who did bad deeds will be put on trial. I hope he does eventhough i do not like this criminal. All those politicians in lebanon will object since they are all thieves and on top of those who will object are hariri ilks since Hariri himself was the biggest thief. I hope Aoun will do that and expose Hariri and destroy this rudiculous legend of him being portrayed as a martyr who build lebanon. Yeah right he built lebanon from his own pocket and we are not under the burden of 40 billion $ in debt.

17/4/05 23:36  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Waiting for you some day to hold the banner "Faja'nakom mo?" to the 'Lion' mafia family.

As for Gen. Aoun opening up past folders, he will mainly find lebanese having closed eyes on joint theft of public money in Lebanon. Take for example the Southern Highway that takes you up to Kasmiyeh, Kasyoun took $3,000,000+ for one Kilometer, whereas the same distance costs around $900,000 in California! I know, syrian and lebanese workforce are more expensive than the US workforce, but not that much (./sarcasm).

18/4/05 16:26  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to mushhayk :

you say:
"It was the Christians that invited Syria to participate, never forget that"

Nobody invited the syrian army into Lebanon, Neither the Al Haraka Al wataniya nor Al jabha al loubnaniya.
Just review the very long speech (3 hours and 5 minutes) of "Father Lion the First" on July 20, 1976 in the University of Damascus where he says «we had to come in and rescue the [palestinian] resistance. we decided to intervene under the 'title' of the Palestinian Liberation Army. and the PLA began entering in Lebanon and nobody knew that.....»

18/4/05 16:47  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to Anonymous @ 18/4/05 16:26

he said "As for Gen. Aoun opening up past folders, he will mainly find lebanese having closed eyes on joint theft of public money in Lebanon. Take for example the Southern Highway that takes you up to Kasmiyeh, Kasyoun took $3,000,000+ for one Kilometer, whereas the same distance costs around $900,000 in California! I know, syrian and lebanese workforce are more expensive than the US workforce, but not that much"

Eventhough i hate this criminal Aoun but i would really like seeing him bringing the files of those who plundered public money. I really wish if he exactly do that since this will shatter the fake image of Hariri who is being portrayed as a martyr who built lebanon. He was a thief and ran a gang and sooner or later poeple will discover his filthy reality. I did not wish for the massacre of 14 Feb to happen and if he died from a heart attack or the like i would have said " Good riddance" Hope Aoun, Jumblat, Berri, Qanso, Harden, Ge3ga3 and the like will follow Hariri soon.

18/4/05 23:19  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fantastic post!!! Keep it up , man.

19/4/05 16:02  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really loved your blogg until this part. What aspect of the word "occupation" don't you understand? I'm sorry for you if you had a bad experience withing the syrian army but then think how bad the experience was for the people receiving your bullets and artillery shells, and the people being humiliated on your checkpoints and often kidnapped and tortured to death. And also while your unpleasant stay in Lebanon lasted a year and a half the Lebanese have been under such "unpleasentness" for the last 30 years (of course the term unpleasant here is a great euphemism considering the tens of thousands of dead and billion of dollars in direct and indirect losses this term englobes).

Like someone previously mentionned, deal with your own demons first (and your blogg proves how many they are) then you can critisize us Lebanese as much as you want.

20/4/05 12:11  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

did you guys notice that there is never any criticism of Karfan's posts? i wrote a few myself that always get deleted. For someone who wants to be heard he sure knows how to shut others up.

20/4/05 16:51  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your post is still up! Are you getting paranoid?

1/5/05 20:18  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha it happens all the time. then when you complain he leaves your complaint up to prove a point.

5/5/05 20:45  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Obviously you are a big liar! This blog service those dudes are using does not allow the user to selectively delete comment. You can go ahead and check it yourself, it is free to register. You can either prevent people from commenting alltogether or, you can delete ALL the comments written. There is no way to delete comments selectively!
Play another one.

By a US certified computer geek.

6/5/05 16:49  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where have our citiques gone?
Why in the hell are you erasing them?.......
Do you wish to be called, Zionist or Mossad?..

25/5/05 04:56  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there!..... Where’s this? Where Am I? Who are all those people? Is this a kind ‎of Carnival or something? What kind of a language are you speaking, guys? Can ‎anyone explain to me these Takhbees terms like “ Dickhead government, ‎Bullshit democracy, Fucking people, Arab thugs, La-Vache-Qui-Rit….etc, etc. ‎‎….? OK I admit I know the meaning of Dickhead, Bullshit, Fucking, thugs, La-‎Vache…!!! But what about the rest of the nouns… What are these? Are you ‎talking about a kind of departments in a brothel, a whorehouse or something?‎
HELLLLLO… anybody there… Helllllll0oooo?‎
I must be lost!‎
Is this Mouhajeern or Akrad bus?‎
Why should I bother with this bullshit…‎
Excuse me! Do you have a light please?‎
Kiss Okht hal Hayat…‎
La twakhzouni yabee… ‎
Where the hell am I? ‎


15/11/05 12:58  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Karfan .Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase COOOMMMEE BAaCK

2/6/06 06:59  
Blogger bathmate said...

nice posting for this site..
a wonderful blog...its really good comments


23/12/09 00:52  

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