Myth No.13: Baby Lion The 2nd Will Get The Jolan Back
So now, after achieving his big political, managerial, industrial, educational, infra-structural reforms, there is nothing left to do for our great leader King Lion the 2nd except librating the Jolan! He came out two days ago in his fiery speech declaring the beginning of his “resistance culture era” that will get the Jolan back. His joke party even established a liberation organization and people are all exited and started packing there suitcases for their next vacation on Tabarya’s shores.
Karfan advices them to wait first couple of days since our great leader might change his mind about the matter similarly to what he did regarding other things he said during that speech. He called his co-thieves, the other so-called Arab leaders, Half-Men. Karfan thought that was amusing and considered that phrase the single and one-and-only correct thing that our leader King Lion the 2nd had ever uttered in his entire life. It reminded Karfan of the great description to those leaders endowed on them by the great Syrian poet Nadeem Muhammad when he said in one of his poems about the Arab leaders:
You all sons of bitches, I exclude none
And asked to exclude Assad, I said I exclude none
Unfortunately Karfan’s amusement lasted very short, as one of our King’s puppet ministers came out yesterday apologizing and saying that King Lion the 2nd did not mean his brothers the leaders, rather, GET THIS, he meant some Syrians in and outside Syria!!! Ooh god bless your soul Nadeem Muhammad, the half-rabbit son of a bitch, is apologizing to a group of murders, shoe-licking half-pigs thieves and instead insulting US saying that he meant some of us by half-men. His own Syrian people!!
When Karfan heard that, he blasted in an extraordinary rage and anger state I have rarely ever seeing him in. He started yelling and shouting and cursing at our King and his minister with all his might. He did not leave a single cursing word in the Modern Syrian-Lebanese Cursing Dictionary, which, to readers who are not familiar with, contains couple of the most if not the absolute most blaspheming curse phrases that have ever been conceived by human beings. Really, how many languages on earth have a sentence were the god and religion, the vagina of the mother and sister of the cursed, the penises of mule and donkey, and couple of other animals, are all joined in one single sentence in the most insulting way that can be thought of?
Whoever is waiting for this half-king to get back even a half-meter of the Jolan, then you will have to wait earth-half-age time for that to come true.
First, here is Karfan’s historical take on the Jolan issue for those who do not know the full story.
Jolan is the part of Syria that our fathers’ failed-generation lost to Israel in one of their most marvelous achievements that they have ever done: a ridicule called The War of Six Days of 1967. We have learned to call that war: Naksa; meaning The Relapse, a relapse after the first catastrophical Arab-Israeli war in the forties. As Karfan always like to point out: Two major sorrow events befell on earth that 1967 year: We lost Jolan, and… I, Karfan, was born.
What happened is that Naser Don Kichote and his underlings all over the Arab world repeated what their looser predecessors did in the year 1948. They started barking as loud as they can about how they are going to kick all Israelis in the sea and liberate every inch of Palestine. Naser Don Kichote was so pumped up after living 16 years as a King and conquering the French and Brits in Sweiss Canal (thanks to the USA), that he thought he could invade Rome if he wanted. The Israeli started a preemptive strike. That was way long before pig Cheney of the United Crusaders of America patented that concept to himself.
What happened thereafter on the ground did not match at all the heroic speeches that Naser was banging people’s head with. Karfan’s father has the dishonor of serving in the Syrian army during that great ridicule. That army was under the leadership of NONE BUT the great King Lion the 1st who was a defense minister back then before he Kingisized himself. According to Karfan’s father, and to everyone else in the world for that matter, the Syrian eager enthusiastic soldiers started running the moment they heard the first bullet, only not in the direction they r supposed to run in. They left all their equipment and arms and ran towards Damascus away for their life.
The fact is, Karfan never blamed his father and his brave marathon-runner colleagues for this grand act of chicken-ness. Karfan would have done the same: the weapons were scrap and the leadership was crap. Who on earth wants to fight using dysfunctional arms, under dysfunctional leadership, for a dysfunctional objective such as throwing three million human being in the sea?
And while Naser Don Kichote was fighting his windmills behind the microphones, we lost the Jolan and tens of thousands of Jolani Syrian people were kicked out of their land. You see, Israelis have a more “humane” way of kicking out people from their land: instead of the sea proposed by Naser for them, Israelis just terrorize and kick people out to the neighboring land every time they occupy a piece of it! How blessed we are. Oo Tarek Bin Zyad, I which you were there: the enemy is in front, the enemy is in the back, the enemy is above! Would you fight Tarek Bin Zyad? Karfan doesn’t think so, he would have run for his life as Karfan’s father did.
What bugs Karfan though, is that his father and many of his brave colleagues sincerely believed that they ratified their humiliation in the Six Days War by “”winning”” the next great ridicule; October War in 1973! That is what they kept and keep telling us to this very moment: We won!!! We won: no one exactly has the slightest idea what the fuck did we win? Among the 70km that King Lion the 1st and his army lost in the 1967 war, they retrieved 70m of it, and guess what: by negotiation through the UN. Some people are so irritating they keep saying that we won back our dignity and self-assurance. Win BACK dignity!! Karfan wonders: 400 years of Othman humiliation, 30 years of French and British humiliation, 50 years of Tyrants like Husni Zaeem, Naser Don Khichote and King Lion the 1st and their secret services humiliation, 50 years under Israelis and whoever-in-the-world-feels-like-slapping-us-in-the-face humiliation.... When the fuck did had we ever given dignity and self-fucking-assurance to begin with? Win back my ass.
There used to be a story widely circulated among the heroes who took back those 70m. Everyone of our father’s generation who was ever called to conscription during the October War, talked hours and hours how they advanced so deep into the Israeli lines that they actually drank from the Tabarya lake water at one point of the war!
So if you ever wondered why on hell, with such brave soldiers, the Israeli army actually ended up just few kilometers from the outskirt of Damascus, here is the answer: every one in the Syrian army was too fucking busy drinking from that Tabarya lake!! If it weren’t for Russia threatening to nuke the hell of them in case they do not stop, Israelis would have done to Damascus what they did to Beirut nine years later.
Twenty years later, one of those moony nights, Karfan’s father thought that he was revealing the secret of the universe when he admitted to Karfan that this Tabarya lake episode is an exaggeration; no Syrian unit ever came even close to see it clearly in the binoculars. Karfan did not bother to tell his father that he has never believed this story to begin with. The fact is, Karfan never actually believed anything that anyone of our father’s failed-generation ever told him even if it was about the sky being blue.
Many many years later in the nineties, King Lion the 1st decided to talk with Israelis and accepted to start piece negotiations. Syrians, the people concerned, never knew any of those talks’ details until much later when the satellite-dish culture spread on our roofs like moss and spelled the secrets all out. The Jolanis came very close to go back to their land and have their own houses and dignified life.
We heard that the piece talks crumbled down because the Israeli refused to give back the shores of that Tabarya lake. King Lion the 1st proudly refused that offer and made himself a hero who never gives up his citizens’ land. He claimed that he used to wash his feet in that lake when he was a young officer, and that he refused any solution that does not give back the lake to wash his stinky feet. Karfan always thought of this as a deliberate message to the Syrian army soldiers who claimed that they drank from Tabaraya lake at one point in the October War. The message of King Lion the 1st was: My beloved army, you stupid morons, you were drinking from where I used to wash my feet! King Lion the 1st never missed an opportunity to humiliate his subjects for sure.
Regardless if the Israelis were actually serious in given anything at all, it is sad that the poor Jolanis never knew anything about the whole process, no one asked them what they think and what would be their opinion. Instead of having a referendum to know what offer the Syrian people are willing to accept and give in return, or at least a limited referendum among the Jolani refugees, King Lion the 1st entrusted the whole future of those miserable people and the whole future of this miserable country to his unquestionable wisdom. After all, the only referendums allowed in this country are the ones that we have to say Yes for renewing the Kings and their babies eternal years in ruling.
Karfan always wondered what people would have said if they had the chance of choosing? Maybe even if we chose to say No, at least that would have scared the Israeli when seeing that the whole country will never give up their right. Maybe it would have scared them knowing that they are negotiating 20million human being not merely one maniac king with stinky feet and a crappy government.
Years go-by after that ridicule of a war and none of the Syrian Jolani who were kicked out of the Jolan ever came near to go back. They were called Nazeheen (meaning refugees), and bit by bit, as hope faded away in front of their eyes more and more every year, they started turning their dirty tents into badly constructed rough-looking scum houses in the outskirt of Damascus.
They were always called Nazeheen and they were treated as second class citizens just because they were poor and live in scum houses. Even when the second generation was borne after the 1967: the generation of Karfan, people kept calling them Nazeheen and kept treating them like crap.
If we really had dignity, those people should be treated super-class citizens, it is the rest of us who betrayed them. Our stupid leadership dragged them to this destiny with its uncalculated policies and the rest of their Syrian brothers ran away in front of the Israeli army who came to occupy their land. If we really had dignity, we should be apologetic to them. But that it is exactly why King Lion the 2nd, or any other king like him, will never get the Jolan back: they never can understand the real problem at stake here: it is humans not land.
Karfan had a friend from Jolan’s refugees, an engineer at the same department at the establishment where he works. He lived in Nazeheen’s slums near the airport road and was poor. He was sick of waiting, sick of the miss-treatment, sick of poverty, and sick of hope. Three years ago he joined the queues outside the Canadian Embassy and applied for immigration. Last year, he had the visa. When he was ready to leave, every body in the office was so happy for him; they brought cake and cola, and… celebrated. They were saying Mabrouk (congratulation), and admiring his luck, they were saying that they envy him. Karfan, was his closest friend at the office, yet, he was the only one who did not participate in those miserable celebrations. Karfan sat there looking at him surrounded by this festive. At one point he caught his eyes. Karfan says that he saw no tears on his cheeks but swears that he could see him crying like he lost his heart. Karfan knew why he was sad. The Jolani engineer never saw Jolan as he was borne a year after Karfan, but used to show Karfan old rusty pictures that his father took back in Jolan. He used to talk about it like he has lived all his life there, he was so sure he will go back, he even never married saying that his marriage ceremony will be held in his small village there. Karfan does not know how much this Canada place is beautiful, but it cannot be more beautiful than his friend’s land. Karfan does not know what dreams one can realize in this Canada place, but they cannot be more wonderful than his friend’s little dreams at his little village.
He obviously gave up on those dreams. And, the catastrophe is that we were celebrating!
A year past, and now some of the same people at the office are existed that King Lion the 2nd is going to return the Jolan. They don’t get it, do they, said Karfan.
What is the use of a land without people? how do we have a right to it without people? Why did we loose every tiny little chance to ever even dream of getting back Iskandaroon from Turkey? Because Iskandaroonis will never want to go back to us. Go back to us for what? To take part in the queues we make on the doors of the Canadian Embassy to immigrate, and the Saudi Embassy to work? They are Alawees and are not allowed to rule in turkey, but they detest their brothers’ rule in Syria. They had their share of mistreatment and dislocation by Turks in the past, but at present, they are treated well like honorable human beings in Turkey. Leave aside Turkish opposition to any Syrian claims of Iskandaroon, unless Iskandaroonis themselves want their land to return back to Syria, it will not matter what we, or even the whole world, wanted.
The brave Jolanis who stayed in Jolan and refused all Israeli temptations of citizenship and wealthy life are what keep the Jolan Syrian, not our nagging and our Kings’ fictitious liberation attempts-to-be. The Jolani refugees who are still dreaming of going back one day are what keep the Jolan Syrian. And instead of cherishing and respecting them, we are driving them to immigrate to the end of the fucking world.
It is Karfan’s Jolani friend and his little dreams that makes his village our right. Without him and without his dreams, it is just a worthless piece of land subject to be sold to the highest bidder in a game of international relations.
But who care about human beings here? In this miserable part of the world, anything is more important than human life. We die for land, we die for causes, we die for religion, we die for honor, we die for principles, we die for diplomacy, we die for nothing, we die all sort of deaths for all sort of reasons. Two years ago, 15 people killed each others in a village in Latakkia over a cow!! That is how cheap our lives became. That is why we miss the real reason that gives us right to Jolan: the Jolanis and their right of a life with dignity.
If we want the land back to Syria then the only way that would work is by making the Jolanis, and every Syrian, proud of being here, of belonging to Syria, standing high and loving their life on this land.
But instead of that, here is the way that King Lion the 2nd is suggesting: The way of his Guru in Lebanon and his Khomeini Party.
Is this is the way that you are going to liberate our Jolan my King? By dividing us, more than we are divided now, into gangs of Hizb Alaween and Hizb Sunna, and Hizb Druz? And let each one of them be a puppet to Iranians or Saudis or whoever-who sponsors? By letting Israelis killing every single child and every single mother and destroying every single house in return of few kilometers of burned land? By letting them bomb our soul and pride to smithereens and only stop after we had begged the whole world on our knees to convince them to stop? And what if they were as monstrous as they might be and never stop? By exchanging every one Israeli mercenary soldier life for thousands of lives of the people of Syria? By telling us that we won because the Israelis might leave you another 70m of the occupied land after they had bombed us a hundred year back and left us begging and ass-licking Saudis and Iranians and Europeans for few dollars to rebuild some roofs over our heads? Is that your great vision for the mother-land of all civilizations, Syria? Is that your great “Resistance Age”?
Once Fairouz, the great Lebanese singer was too naive to believe the sons of bitches Arab leaders who said that they wanted to liberate lands. She sang saying that the bright anger is coming to Palestine and the Al-Aqssa mosque bells will ring welcoming the Palestinians returning back to their land.
Another all-ages-great Syrian poet, Nizar Al-Kabbani, replied to her in a brilliant poem saying:
I beg your pardon Fairouz, the bright anger will never come
I beg your pardon Fairouz, Al-Aqssa returning bells will never ring
How do we return and returning needs a gun
And the gun needs a palm and the palm needs a finger
And the finger is busy, stuck up the anus of our fucked citizens
Did you listen to Nizar’s poem King Lion the 2nd?
I beg your pardon my King, the Resistance Age will never come
I beg your pardon my King, you will never liberate Jolan
For liberation needs an army, and army needs brave men
But we are cowards for we’ve been raised on fear
And we are disgusted for we’ve been brought up on mistrust
Too disgusted to lift a finger, not even in your face
Why don’t you take your fingers out of our anus for two days
Why don’t you go and fight, show us how men should be
And Take the rest of your gang and elite merchants with you
We, will be watching you from here
On a cup of matteh
Your lawful servant